Monday, August 22, 2011

Monday Muse--Living Dead Girl


 This is a long post filled with wonderful art, quotes and photography. I hope you'll stick with it. get a cuppa, and relax.

loss of hope; hopelessness.
someone or something that causes hopelessness: He is the despair of his mother.
My Husband, my Son and my House are my despair.
I've come to the conclusion, that these 2 men have no intention of ever fixing anything in this house. It is going to fall apart on top of us. We had yet another pipe break and a huge leak. I swear this house is under a water curse and I so want to do a cleansing, but it is 2 stories and I need help, and I can not get any. Every time I point out something that needs IMMEDIATE attention, especially items that were already promised to be fixed "by the end of summer" (some of these were by the end of summer in the 90s) My son will bring up all my "crap" (ie crafting stuff) like what does my stuff have to do with a leaking roof, or a chimney that needs finishing so the other wood stove can get lit in the winter??????? Since hubby's episode, stroke or whatever, there has been a DEFINITE decline of his faculties...memory, balance, mood. He claims he told his doctor, but the doctor didn't order a CT scan(the "gold" standard for strokes---and we asked for an RX for an MRA of his head and neck last year to see if he had any bloclkages forming , since his history of DM and the MIAs-which the doc refused claiming our insurance wouldn't pay for it--LIE!  so this might have been preventable) or anything. Basically I get ganged up on, DAILY. Hubby might make a complaint to me about our son, but when I broach the subject when Tom is present, my hubby acts like he has NO IDEA WHAT I AM TALKING ABOUT and joins in with the verbal abuse of my son. I am beginning to think I might have to get out of here, legally have my name removed from the deed of the house and property if that is possible. (Though I am loathe to do it, what a waste--as if the work was put into it, this house and property would be worth well over 400K)
I do not know how I can afford to live out of here and on my own, until my WC settles, and I do not see the light at the end of that tunnel!   I do not even have anyone to talk to about this, except for my 83 yo Mom, who doesn't need to hear my crap, and my youngest daughter, and truthfully even though, she is willing to listen (most of the time) why should I burden a 24 yo. To be quite honest with you all, over the last several weeks, suicide has crossed my mind and dreams a few times. My animals, my stuff and my youngest daughter are the only things keeping me from thinking about it all the time. 
Recently a friend was found to have a tumor in her colon, and it is believed to be the big "C" though it is not in stone yet, but it makes me more aware that I am 4 years past needing a pap and a good exam. Luckily I did have my mammo done, and it was ok.  All day yesterday my left kidney was acting up BAD, it usually acts up from time to time, just enough to let me know it is there, yesterday was much more intense pain.(though not enough to go to the ER...yea!  and it did eventually calm down) Hearing this news about my friend has just made more of the bad in my life pronounced and focused, it was kind of like the last straw.  I haven't slept well in weeks, and last night was like NO sleep.  Which is why I am writing about it.

I have talked about things, as I have always been one to share and I certainly wear my heart on my sleeve. However, I still try to put on a brave face and act like basically all is well. WELL, basically it is not.

 From Bunyan's Pilgrim's Progress, With Over One Hundred Illustrations Designed by Frederick Barnard and Others, Engraved by Dalziel Borthers (The John C. Winston Company, Philadelphia, Chicago, and Toronto, 1894)

 "But, in her life, nothing was going to happen. Such was the will of God! The future was a dark corridor, and at the far end the door was bolted."
Gustave Flaubert (Madame Bovary)
 Evelyn De Morgan
Hope in the Prison of Despair
40.64cm X 45.72cm
Oil paint on canvas
This artwork shows a young person holding a lamp entering a cell where a young girl is crying with her hands over face displaying a sense of despair and grief. The light the person is holding represents hope, and the halo surrounding the persons face shows the religious side behind the artwork. I believe the name of this artwork, ‘Hope in the Prison of Despair’ implifies that the girl who is crying is confined in her own prison of despair.

"The prince is never going to come. Everyone knows that; and maybe sleeping beauty's dead."
Anne Rice (The Vampire Lestat)

  Despair by Super-Sheep© 2005-2011
This is the last of my four "big-sized" drawings (with The End, Gomi and Princess of Mist). I did them for a sci-fi/fantasy convention in Paris a few years ago.
Pen & ink, tubular pen, washed ink on paper (50cm x 65cm).

This IS exactly how I feel in my house (above) I can not even begin to enumerate all things that need immediate attention, and just attention in this house. It used to be my HOME, now it is just a house, MONEY PIT, a MONKEY ON MY BACK. A back that can not bear the weight anymore!  it is a 14 room huge house, and yet I have no space to create in, really spread out and paint etc. because no one will help me empty out at least one room and start reorganizing. That was the goal a year ago when I began renting a 16' POD, that costs 202$ a month. I AM the ONE paying for it, and nothing has been done in that year, nothing has been cleared out, nothing has been fixed, nothing has been reorganized, still no room for me to truly be able to create!  Quite frankly, I haven't even had much motivation to create, which is  why I think I am in such a state of despair. Creating at least is some therapy.

I know there are many people in the world far worse off than I, truly I do know that. However in the scheme of things in my world right now, I do not have it in me to care, as I can not even care for myself. 

It is truly sad, as I was beginning to find some hope, due to the new doctor, and the decrease in my low back and knee pain.  But again in the scheme of things NOW, it almost doesn't matter. If you have made it this far I thank you.

"The greatest hazard of all, losing one’s self, can occur very quietly in the world, as if it were nothing at all. No other loss can occur so quietly; any other loss - an arm, a leg, five dollars, a wife, etc. - is sure to be noticed."
Søren Kierkegaard (The Sickness Unto Death

"I go dreaming into the future, where I see nothing, nothing. I have no plans, no idea, no project, and, what is worse, no ambition. Something – the eternal ‘what’s the use?’ – sets its bronze barrier across every avenue that I open up in the realm of hypothesis."
Gustave Flaubert (Flaubert in Egypt: A Sensibility on Tour)
 Mathew Reed
The Pursuer
Ink and an inkjet print on photographic quality cotton paper
This artwork is based on human emotions, mainly depressed moods. The boy covering his hands feels despair while the ‘pursuer’ is reaching out to him. I chose this artwork because the ‘pursuer’ reflects abuse, this relates to my theme of slavery because the slaves were abused if they weren’t doing what was told. This gave the slaves a feel of despair because they thought there was no hope to set them free. This artwork debates the concept of whether spirits are felt among us in the real world.

"It is said that scattered through Despair's domain are a multitude of tiny windows, hanging in the void. Each window looks out onto a different scene, being, in our world, a mirror. Sometimes you will look into a mirror and feel the eyes of Despair upon you, feel her hook catch and snag on your heart. Despair says little, and is patient."
Neil Gaiman (Season of Mists)
 Edvard Munch. Weeping Nude, 1913. Oil on canvas

"The wounds that never heal can only be mourned alone."
James Frey (A Million Little Pieces)

John Fisher
150cm X 80cm X 75cm
This sculpture shows a a lady crying, she is crying from the loss of her unborn baby. She is in despair and lost hope for it. Women who were slaves and pregnant were forced to do as much work as women who weren’t, it would’ve consequented with the loss of an unborn child from doing to much work such as lifting and ploughing. I feel it would’ve been a hard time for them.

" can cry until there's nothing wet in you. You can scream and curse to where your throat rebels and ruptures. You can pray, all you want, to whatever god you think will listen. And, still it makes no difference. It goes on, with no sign as to when it might release you. And you know that if it ever did would not be because it cared."
Jhonen Vasquez (Johnny the Homicidal Maniac: Director's Cut)
 "the thing is you can get used to anything you think you cant you want to die but you don't you can't you just are"
Elizabeth Scott (Living Dead Girl)
"No reflection was to be allowed now, not one glance was to be cast back; not even one forward. Not one thought was to be given either to the past or the future. The first was a page so heavenly sweet, so deadly sad, that to read one line of it would dissolve my courage and break down my energy. The last was an awful blank, something like then world when the deluge was gone by."
Charlotte Brontë (Jane Eyre)
"At night I no longer dreamed, nor did I let my imagination work during the day. The once vibrant escapes of watching myself fly through the clouds in bright blue costumes, were now a thing of the past. When I fell asleep, my soul became consumed in a black void. I no longer awoke in the mornings refreshed; I was tired and told myself that I had one day less to live in this world. I shuffled through my chores, dreading every moment of every day. With no dreams, I found that words like hope and faith were only letters, randomly put together into something meaningless - words only for fairy tales. "
Dave Pelzer (A Child Called "It")

 "Despair filled his skull even more tightly than his own brain. All around him cars filled with normal people perfectly unaware of the disease turning Perry's body inside out. Fucking normal people."
Scott Sigler (Infected


Wendy S. said...

Despair unfortunately has been an unwelcome house visitor with me as well and I also have major plumbing issues and flooding. I'm so sorry you're experiencing so much pain and darkness and I completely understand you're wanting to end the pain of it all but you don't because of your animals, etc...I have no great words of wisdom except to say ask for divine intervention which blesses you with courage, clarity and the resources to live the life you deserve to have. Please don't leave us as there is still important work for you to do on this earth and you're a valued friend and beautiful woman, Susan. Sending you lots of hugs and blessings.

Laura B said...

I'm so sorry that this is where you're at right now. I have been there before. You're in my thoughts. Big soft hugs to you!

AlphaBetsy said...

Honey, I am so sorry that things are seeming so dark for you right now. I wish I could help in a way other than saying that I am sending you love and light, and lighting a candle for you that things will clear up for you soon.

Toriz said...

I'm sorry you're having to deal with all of that, and wish there was something I could do or say to make things at least a little better. *Hugs*

Please don't do anything like committing suicide or anything like that! Your friends are here for you, even if it seems like the world has turned against you. *Hugs*

DK Spins said...

There truly must be something in the cosmos causing these water/plumbing issues. The line from my kitchen to the sewer is plugged, meaning I have to dump the water over the edge of the deck (stairs fell apart awhile ago, and like you no one to repair it). I won't talk about the bathroom. It sucks & I read your post yesterday & am stuck in the same pit of despair here. You get to a point where you're just so tired, even thinking about doing something about it drains you. And, I get angry at these lazy freaking individuals who don't help. As a mom, we give up alot of ourselves, wants, desires, for them willingly. Is it too much for them to reciprocate once in awhile.

Well, I'm sure this didn't help you feel any better, other than to know you are not alone. Soft cyber hugs coming to you. A day at a time, Dianne