(long post) Trying to Vent, WITHOUT revealing too much...

I have not been in a good place, something that should be making me happy is NOT.  I think I mentioned my son was coming up from NC. (see a pic of him down the bottom)  I love my son dearly, and I have missed him greatly.  Well...there are some issues. let me start from the beginning. Thomas has severe ODD and ADHD. My  OB saw this immediately as he was still moving while in the birth canal (evidently NOT normal). We knew as an infant. he rolled over the day we came home from the hospital...it was not a fluke, he continued to do it.  He walking holding onto the furniture at 6 months, let go at 9 months, climbed the stairs at 11 months, climbed up a tree at 13 months (I kid you not) he was about 6 feet off the ground sitting on the first limb crotch.

Needless to say we had our hands full with him meds started at age 3 when he was "officially" DXed with ADHD...we were told by several professionals that he was "SOOO ADHD, all the books could have been written about him".  The year he was 3, we went through 8 babysitters (and we only needed a sitter for 2.5 hours a day)  granted there was also my older daughter who was 7.5 at the time (but a well behaved child) and my youngest daughter age 2 also ADHD...but her's manifested mostly in her mouth and hands. Thomas' whole body was always moving.  he couldn't sit still for a meal.  No issues with school until 5th grade, when he started bucking all the rules.  Around that same time maybe a year later an incident happened with him and his older sister, and I took him to the hospital, as I feared for his and others safety.  Without all the details, ...he was seen by a few other professionals, and he was also DXed with ODD (Oppositional Defiance Disorder)  with the accent on defiance. 
This continued and got worse, while he was starting to get a bit of a handle on the ADHD.  Half way thru his Sophomore year, he was caught hiding his meds that we thought he had swallowed, we talked about it, and he said I am not taking meds anymore, so we agreed,  and no more therapy sessions--as it was just becoming a money pit and a ongoing battle ( as everything was with him)  It was also around this time that he told us, he didn't believe in God. (a few years later, he told us he was Wiccan--worship nature etc)
At the age off 20 he met a girl on the internet that lived in CA. she wanted him to go out there, and stay for about 3-4 weeks, she would pay for his airfare. We agreed, as he was over 18.  The mother of this girl, called me, and basically gave me the third degree about Tom...no trouble with the law, no drugs. Has manners a big heart loves animals and is sensitive..then I told her she may have to put her hand on his shoulder from time to time to keep his hyperness in check, and that she may have some issues with rules.

so then I asked her about her daughter, and her family (since he'd be in their home)  she told me all was good, no drugs, no issues with the law etc.
 She promised me she would have him on a plane back to NJ by Dec. 20th, as we wanted him home for Christmas.

 Ok...now for what actually transpired:
#1...the entire family smoked (smokes) pot, heavily, daily
#2...one of the daughters was involved with a gang member (who ended up getting shot)...she has his son, then had his brother's daughter
Thomas was there for 6 months, helping them get their home fixed up and ready for sale so they could move to NC.  (Did I ever say how much worked is needed in our home, and that my husband is older than me, with heart disease and diabetes and other stuff, and I am disabled?)
Now Thomas smokes daily...he is still like a teenager and can not keep a job...either calls out too much, or butts heads with someone.
 The girl totally supports him.

She says they are in love, he says they are in love, yet they will hook up with other people.

I no longer recognize my son. he is an unemployed pot-smoking swinger.
Did i tell you has has an IQ of 147, and was told if he just did the work asked of him in HS, he could have gotten a free right to any school he chose, even MIT...he always refused to do homework...his argument "homework is supplemental learning, I already know the stuff "  (this was the same argument he started in 5th grade)  and ya know what, he did know the stuff...any time, any one asked any question, he knew the answer.  He never got a test grade below a 96, and often got over 100 (extra credit) but he failed freshman english twice, just for refusing to write essays, when he took it again in the summer , he had the same teacher he had as a freshman, she called me,  and told me, that she had every intention of passing him no matter what, but IF he wrote the one big essay expected, she would give him an A.  he passed but not with an A.  he failed english and social studies in his senior year for basically the same reason...not doing the research papers, so he ended up in the 5 year plan, and in the 5th year, after being frustrated like his parents, the teachers passed him.

OK, so now he'll be 24 on 5/9  and all of the old behavior is still present, and now he is stoned on top of that, and in our eyes immoral. ("open relationship", my butt)


He has been here now for just over a week...he has had his friend here almost all of that time, one afternoon he raked for about an hour outside, one day he started a plumbing job with the hubby (still not finished)  all the rest of the time, he has been partying, and playing video games.  I am thoroughly disgusted, and stressed, and saddened whish of course is making my depression be in charge of me,(that is my battle)

Am I wrong for feeling this way?  to be so very disappointed in my own child, because he has totally wasted the gifts God has given him (intelligence, street smarts, common sense, imagination, good humor, sensitivity, and much more)

Does anyone else have a similar family issue?  I feel alone, hubby is disgusted also, but doesn't want to talk about it, he says...we battled with him for 20 years, why still do it.  I guess he is right, but I do not know how to shut off "being a mom".