Monday, July 25, 2011

Monday Muse-Home not-so-sweet home (a rant)

 You have heard me speak of depression in general, and I have touched upon my own. 

My former Psychiatrist told I will be dealing with Depression the rest of my life. I asked her why
(fool that I am)
She said; "Susan, your situation is not going to change, it is not going to get better. Your wrist and elbow are forever altered for the worse. The doctor also told you, that you WILL BE facing fusion of that wrist in the future. Additionally, you have spinal issues that are progressive, and then there are your knees. Add to that the chronic pain, in it of itself is a cause for depression. Therefore, you will forever more be depressed.  Depression only goes away, and then not really completely gone, when circumstances in one's life change. I do not see a change for you. Do you?"


What is even worse is that I have other issues that are not only depressing but quite worrisome--my main anxiety  is my Husband's health and our home, which are intertwined.

The fact that we bought this house(Hubby really wanted it) that needed a bit of TLC in the first place(which really meant, insulation, upgraded electric and plumping, re-dos in all rooms, a KITCHEN (what was here was not a kitchen) new siding, and a garage/barn that needed new wood in places. Hubby promised he would turn it into the home of my dreams, he kept going on and on about the potential it had (and really before we moved in, we did not know about the plumbing, electric or no insulation) back they there were NO home inspections. With it completely furnished etc. we thought we just needed to paint,  carpet, a better heat system (there was none, but an old kerosene burner HUGE, and a woodstove) He worked on the home for the first 3 years, then we had a hard time with the $$ to do stuff, then it became harder and harder for him to get help with projects. plus his mom, insisted on adding on this HUGE addition (it was only supposed to be one big room for her, sleeping and living, and her own bath, but it turned into a 26 x 26 ft. 2 bedroom apt. downstairs, and upstairs she gave us a Master bedroom a bath and we gained half  of a room when they lifted the roof, so we got another bedroom out of it. she did not complete septic system, and against our pleas to not go with electric baseboard heat, she did anyway (as it was cheaper to install) our taxes tripled the next year, and then progfressively continued to go up. The house has not had any new work done on it, and the builder was a Jackass and gave us a partial FLAT roof, which has done nothing but leak ever since. Hubby did start a roof over that as it is a "deck off the master bedroom"  but he ran out of money and the son moved out, and now he is feeling his age and his diabetic complications.

Then add in that the old walled in porch  has termites now, and that part of the new roof (addition has had a perpetual leak ever since...we find where we think it is due to wet or rotted wood, and bad paper and shingles, fix it, and still have a leak.  we have had NUMEROUS Pipes break and leak over the past 10 years either from just wear and tear or freezing and bursting, I swear this house has a water curse on it.

 I will NEVER buy an old house again, unless someone else has already fixed everything. I am not even sure I want to be a Home owner again. I think perhaps it is good to rent and not have to worry about fixing stuff.

Frankly I am scared to death, I am disabled, hubby will be 70 in August, is not in great health himself. we still have a mortgage of about 90K, WITHOUT mortgage insurance as it was waaay too expensive with him being a diabetic (and now heart disease AND what I believe was a recent stroke--I am seeing so much evidence of one)  he can't retire til we sell this house, but we can't sell the house til we fix up a bunch of stuff, and leave some stuff undone and sell as is. We also need to CLEAR 200K, so we can buy our new place (one level) without having a mortgage. (if we go that route)

Especially now, I am so scared that his time will come before this house is unloaded, and I will be stuck with it, and no way to make the mortgage payments.

Additionally, Ron is growing ever harder to live with. He has always had big and bad mood swings. Yes he is a uncontrolled diabetic, but I have also suspected for years that is some hereditary component. His mother was like this, as she got older she got worse...same thing here.  He also told me his grandfather had been institutionalized for a short period for "some kind of depression" he was young and doesn't remember a whole lot. There have been far too many times that he has been MORE than verbally abusive, but CRUEL and mean-spirited, embarrassing even.
Personally, I believe it is worse now for 2 reasons, first my getting injured and being unable to work. I think he is a bit resentful that he is not able to retire, and I do not blame him in the least. I can't feel any guiltier than I already do, and I SHOULDN'T, I didn't purposely get hurt. The other reason is since the "episode" (what I believe was a stroke) he is far more irritable, and is having some memory issues.

My son is back home to supposedly be a help to his Dad, which as usual is not happening. at least 3 of the 5 work days  when my husband comes home from work, and they can be doing something- Tom is gone with one of his friends. on the weekends, he is with his airsoft buddies.

There are days I think about getting a storage unit and slowing moving my stuff out, and leaving. not that I have any place to go, but at least temporarily I could move in with my mom. What bothers me the most is that Ron bitches about Thomas not being here, or not doing anything TO ME, but when the kid is here, he says nothing, and when I speak up, they both jump on me. it is such Bull shit!  I think hubs does this in part to not scare the kid off. ( he had and has  a crappy relationship with his first son)


I have NUMEROUS "circumstances" that I do not see changing for the better, at least not anytime soon.

Lately all my dreams have been strange, but I fund i am dreaming about a lot of people from my past.   I have had 2 dreams in one night that had church scenes in them.  I wish I had a sweatlodge, I'd go on a vision quest!!

aahhh, but tomorrow is another day!



Life is hard for so many right now. Just know that you are not alone many are facing things that are out of our control. I do know that Jesus can make a difference. He doesn't always give us what we want, but if we call on him he will see us through. I will keep you and your family in my prayers. I could tell you tons of things in my life, and my children's but it could take forever :O) I keep a journal, write down the good things, then the other things, and pray. Then every once in a while I go back through and I can put prayer answered. When things get tough, just say the name of Jesus if it just be in your mind, and the sea of life can be calmed. It may rage again the next day, but getting through one day at a time, is all we can do. Look up and believe, I have to tell myself that often. I have a saying above my bed that says "Everyday holds a possibility of a miracle. Hugs! & Prayers! Leah Ann

Toriz said...

I really wish I could say something... Well, something useful, helpful, or whatever. But I really don't know what to say. I can see why you suffer from depression though, and wouldn't blame you in the least if you were to decide you'd had enough and move out.

The way I see it, you have the following options:

1. Keep on struggling and hope for the best.

2. Persuade him you need to give up the house as a lost cause, bothh move in to a rented place, and sell the house for what you can. I know you wont get a great price for it in the condition it's in, but if you just sold it for what you could, paid off what you could of the mortgage, then were in a rented place, at least - though you might still have mortgage payments to make - you wouldn't have the fear of losing your home when the time to pay it all off came and you didn't have the whole amount. That way if you just pay what you can each month then at least you can prove you're trying, while still having somewhere to live (and somewhere that you don't have to do the repairs on at that).

3. Pack up your stuff, tell him you've had enough, and move out by yourself (be it in with your Mother or whatever).

I mean, it's obviously your call, and if you feel none of these is right for you, then fair enough. Personally though I think option 2 is the best, but that's just me. You could feel totally differently!

Anyway, I hope things improve for you. Good luck with whatever you decide to do (if anything).


Wendy S. said...

I was just thinking about my "limitations" with my mood disorders and how that impacted not only my physiological dhemistry but then triggered depression knowing I'll have to deal with this the rest of my life...Like anything in life, Susan, it's one day at a time (and no I'm not an addict) and there are some days where depression just cuts me to the quick and I'm so sorry to hear about all of your med. conditions. Not physically feeling healthy and strong would cause anyone to be depressed...I also think that there ways to not completely eradicate your health/depression but to make them more managable and that's a lot of work I know.

As for hubby and house, sigh...sounds like you're really starting to think of alternatives and how you want to live your life. Never, ever easy but essential for one's soul.

Sending you lots of blessings and light.

Debra She Who Seeks said...

You've got a lot on your plate. Wishing you strength and good health to deal with everything!

Susan's crafty chaos said...

I don't have any words of wisdom for you but I hope you come to a decision that works for you. Good luck!

Sara said...


I hope you find a solution, I know how much of a struggle life can be sometimes when there doesnt seem a solution.Things always tend to work out in the end though, as someone once told me. THis too shall pass. Hugs Sara

Lynn Stevens said...

Life is so difficult at times and sounds like your really going through it.
I hope you can find some peace and some answers to your questions, Lifes to short to be unhappy all the time. I have to remember that myself.
Hugs Lynn