Thursday, March 3, 2011

First an apology, then something fun!

I said I was going to come back on Tuesday and post the blogs I chose to share the friendly award with. I had also planned a small post about some of the upheaval in my life right now.  I am sorry I did not do so.

Things have not been good with my entire family (extended) for a while and my older daughter who has been estranged from everyone for about 4 years (this round). My son has ALWAYS been a handful, always for everyone. I do not know if I told you the entire story of what led to him moving back out, after only moving back home for about 6 months.  I will tell the whole story but not today. Today I just want to say that for about the 1ooth time he has broken my heart, and I do not think it can be repaired this time. My husband is disowning him, and has said so since Tom's "evil plan" emerged, and we caught him it in.  But being the mom, I kept saying he is coming back to go to the dentist on 3/1 let's give him til then to calm down  etc. He is cutting off his own he has medical insurance at least for 1.5 more years, he has a car, he has a cool phone, he has a roof, food, his pets, etc.  well he stopped over to bring back my husband's electric clippers and the phone (a palm 3 that we bought for him) yet he did not bring the chargers etc. I tried calmly to talk to him, calmly I was even sitting down, and one point I started crying. The whole time he did nothing but scream at me, berate me, wish me dead, and actually threatened 3 times to "slit my throat and dispose of my body" (If i knew exactly where he lives I would call the cops for his threats--Hubby's and daughter's suggestion, and I have to agree) Ron pointed out to him several times, look at you, you are freaking out, your mom is calm and speaking in her normal tone of voice. His answer was I only act like this in this house and I then told him that I was looking into ways to rid the negative energy in the house and that i had thought about that a lot. (I notice all of us are more short tempered in this house etc, and it usually leads to a domino effect) We both suggested he stay, and see someone, perhaps get on anti-anxiety meds ( he needs more than that, and was on more than that before becoming of age to refuse) he said, "I do not need meds, I need HER to be out of my life, she is the DEVIL!"  I was floored by this statement, speechless, hurt, angry, broken. I started to pull inside myself, and vaguely remember Ron telling Tom, that THAT WAS IT, he had to go.  Later I thought about this, my son considers himself a Wiccan but I have never really seen him do anything for his religion, and I noticed his is not wearing his pentacle, he left it here. Wiccan's do not believe in the devil.
So I am not really sure how to take what he meant.  But OBVIOUSLY the true meaning of his words were evil, and certainly threatening my life.

I am not myself right now, I feel about as badly as I did before getting on anti-depressants, I am not sleeping well, and when I do sleep it is in fits with very strange dreams. I am weepy, I want to do nothing but hide under the comforter. I have made commitments with my blog, with swaps, with my husband who needs me. I feel like none of the above. I am NOT the type of person that quits or backs down, this is killing me inside. Then I get a letter from my WC attorney with new dates to go see these 2 quacks for the hospital that I used to work for...I saw them already, I do not know why I have to see them again? The lawyer's office assures me that that this is their prerogative, they have that right since in between I had my one knee replaced.. both doctors are clear on the other side of the state, one at 8 in the am...impossible for me to do, the other at 7pm at night about a week apart.
I am trying to get them rescheduled for a more convenient time for us, and my lawyer's paralegal is giving me a hard time, "don't I realize they have limited hours etc", I am like don't you realize transportation is an issue for me, and moreso now that my daughter has moved out.
so this is just the icing I needed right now.

SO, it is no excuse but I feel bad that I am slacking here. I need to get away to somewhere happy!

OK NEXT POST is Happy news for some friendly bloggers!


SilverFox said...

Oh wow....I am so sorry you've had to go through all of this. I hope you are able to pull the strength together to let it rest and move on....

Jennifer said...

Hi Susan,

First, I want to thank you for your encouraging words and yes I did get your email and will respond in the next day or so. I've been feeling quite tired as you read :)

Next, I can honestly feel what you are feeling as I have been there with my son too. Different scenerio but all the same kinds of things. Do not worry about your obligations, your only obligation is to take care of you. If you don't do that then you will not be able to do all the things you want to and for others as well. Take all the time you need. We'll all be here when you get back :)

Sending Bright, Loving Light Your Way!~

grandmalee said...

I'm so sorry to hear that you are still going through all of these problems with your son. Although I have had some serious money problems with one of my daughters that led us not to speak to each other for about 6 months,I can't imagine her ever saying such hurtful things like your son has done to you. I know this has been coming to a head for a while, but it still is very upsetting when they seem to think that everything should be handed to them on a platter. Do I have a solution, heck no! Should you just blow him off and not worry about him anymore? It will never happen! Although it is hard now especially with everything else you have going on, it's time to start thinking about you for a change instead of worrying how upset or obnoxious or disrespectful he has become. Your health is your #1 issue right now, so try to do things for you that make you happy! Even if you want to crawl into bed all the time, force yourself to get out in some sunlight or do something for yourself like get a massage or manicure or something that makes you feel good even if it's only for ten or fifteen minutes at a time. I can speak from personal experience that forcing yourself to try to do something enjoyable will lead to better days. No one said life was easy, but we have to remind ourselves to think about ourselves every once in a while instead of stewing over what has been done in the past. I really hope that you can find some light at the end of the tunnel and get on with your life. You have such a giving & loving heart, so I don't want to see him bring you down anymore than he already has. Good luck! It won't be easy, but I have faith that you will have much better days ahead!

flyingbeader said...

I am so sorry to hear about this horrible time you are having with your son & your health. One is enough, but to have both flare up at the same time is awful. You know, sometimes we all need to just curl up and try to find some meaning in what this world has to throw at us. But when we uncurl and spread our wings we are strong. My Mother has said some pretty awful things to me my whole life. She's never threaten to hurt me, but mentally she might as well as hit me. People can be so mean & unthinking. I don't understand & I tend to back away from angry talk. I hope you find some peace in your work and your art.

Cosmictadpole said...

I don't even know you, but after reading your most recent post, which made me laugh on an otherwise crappy morning, I decided that you are interesting and just may be a kindred spirit. Then I read this post, and it made me really sad and scared for you. I haven't read any further down, so I don't know anything else about him or his history or your relationship, but I just worry that perhaps he has mental illness issues and may have actually gotten a mental image or message that you are the devil. And I worry that he may act on his very frightening threats because maybe he doesn't think you are actually you anymore, or something like that. I do hope he gets the help he needs, but I also really hope that you will take precautions to protect your own life. If you do feel like you should call the police, maybe see if you can get him to come over again to pick up something he needs so that the police will know where to find him. Anyway, whatever you do, take care of yourself, and I hope this situation gets better quickly!

Anonymous said...

Hi Susan, I just want to say thanks so much for adding me to your award list. i feel so honoured and appreciate it very much my friend.
Also i have been so wrapped up in my own problems that i havent been blogging and only just saw this post. I am so sad that you are having a difficult time. I remember you asking about the negative energy and i do agree that you need that cleansed. Also its not for me to say but i do think you need to break the ties you have with your son .... he is dangerous to you and is breaking your heart and spirit.
I am sending big heartfelt hugs to you my friend ... take care and give to yourself some of the love that is inside you, it is wasted on some of the others in your life and its time to give to yourself.
Hugs June xxxxx