Monday, April 18, 2011

Am I a villain?

I was just over at Witchy Godmother's

it was story day. The story touched on something I think about OFTEN.

Here is exactly what I posted to the comment section:

"I seem to spread it(gloom and depression-edit to add in case you do not want to read her story) just by sharing what is going on in my daily life. It has caused me to kind of not post to FB or to my blog much. There is nothing NEW or GOOD in my life right now to share. it has been a ridiculously bad winter for us (if you have been to my blog at all) and that is on top of my normal crappy life.

I know it is hard to not tell people the sad and bad, but if you have nothing else, how do you have conversations? how do you post, how do you reach out? This story is good, but unfortunately it made me feel like I am a villain and I am really not."

Then I told her I was just sharing, and that the story gave me pause.

It does give me pause. I noticed like 2 weeks ago or so I was up to 222 followers, and a couple of days later it was back to 221 (which it had been for a while)yesterday it was at 218. It seems to be 3 of my newer followers one older.  Did I do that? Do I scare people away, because I talk about my  health issues, physical short-comings (due to injuries), depression & anxiety, or family troubles? Am I the spreader of gloom and depression?....A VILLAIN? I try so hard not to be.

I have numerous times said I was not going to allow my Oldest daughter near me again, as she ALWAYS, and I mean always starts out nice (it is almost like a trap) and then once again starts to rip me up one side and down the other....Well she called a week or so ago to tell me that her graduation from college is May 7, she had already informed me of the milestone, but didn't know the date. She told me she only had 6 tickets. she has 2 sets of parents, and 2 grandmothers (though she has many times told me, and others that MY mother is not her grandmother because Nana (and Pop-pop) moved to Florida for 11 years of her life, and therefore was a stranger) she said, "well I only have two to offer this side of my family". I said ok. I basically thought it was hands-down Ron and I. (her MAIN set of parents, I had Custody) then she went on to tell me she invited her brother. I said ok then, ask your sister and that will be the 2 tickets I was in a good mood, i didn't let this get to me, though I would think parents would gets dibs before siblings. She got highly agitated and said "Why do you always have to bring up Amanda?"  I said well it makes logical sense that since you already invited the one sibling from this family, you would invite the other. "No, mother, and you know I am do not have any%$#@& thing to do with her." I said well, I am having nothing to do with your brother since he threatened my life. "Oh he did not, your exaggerating." I said plus he is in  Philly, are you going to pick him up? she had no answer. I said ok, what about Ron and I? she hesitated with an aaaaa. I said nevermind, have Tom get transportation here, and then you can donate your ticket to another family or your sister from your Dad's family can bring her boyfriend. She let out a long string of expletives and was overall nasty, so I hung up a week later she decided to call me being all sweetness and sunshine again, and now it was, "mom, you come, and I'll donate the other ticket."  I told her I wouldn't go without Ron or Amanda, as sometimes I can not drive due to taking a vicodin, and nor did I want to go by myself.  She let out a heavy sigh, and then said "You are impossible."  How was I being impossible?
she informed me she had to go. 2 days later I get a call from my ex-husband telling me, if I need a ride, I can go with them. Like I was going to do that. then she got made at me, telling me that I always had to abandon her and put my needs first because i would rather not go, then be in the vehicle with my ex, his wife and his mother and be stuck with them longer as they were going out to dinner etc. That Man used to beat  and choke me, he choked me with one hand while holding her on his hip with his other arm when she was about 22 months old. His mother KNEW all along he was violent, as her husband was and never warned me. There is more to the x and daughter scene then I wish to discuss right now. There was just no way. Ok 3 nights ago, she shows up here with the 2 tickets and a map of the campus. "I guess you can come with Ron", she that made him feel good. I didn't say a word, Ron and I just looked at each other, she ended up , eating some of our dinner and hung out for a while, which was nice, and I completely stayed pleasant throughout the 2 weeks.

2night ago she spots me on FB, and starts a chat, hi,  hi etc small talk. then she quickly turned it to the same old crap she keeps dredging up from the past. This has been my stand for almost 4 years now... #1, we all have some issues with our parents, we all have some baggage, #2 what is in the past is in the past, it is done and over with, #3 it can not be changed, #4 agree to disagree and start fresh. SHE KNOWS that is my stand, my terms, whatever. (even her own cousins older and wiser than she, have tried to tell her #1-3, the one cousin, a wise woman, an attorney told her, 1-3 AND "you accept your parents for who they are, or you don't and cut all ties, it is up to you"  NO< not my April, she just has to keep digging at crap.
well after almost 2 hours of her chewing me up. I got off FB, but not before copying and pasting the entire conversation.  I have FOLDERS of crap from my daughter. I did not tell Ron any of it, as I want the dust to settle, but we may not be going to her graduation. we went to see my mom today, I didn't tell her anything about it, why upset her.  But she knows about the graduation, and she knows what April's plan is to get her masters at LEAST and be a family counselor...which is basically a joke among most of the family, as we all think she needs help, so how could she possibly help others?

MY POINT is any other mother would be crushed by the possibility of not being able to celebrate such a milestone with her child.  I am learning how to start keeping the negative away, even if as April said to me the other night "have fun dying alone." so even if I end up alone (I am basically there right now anyway) isn't it better to keep out as much negativity as possible, and try to bring myself back to the upbeat person I used to be?  I do NOT want to be the villain, the spreader of gloom and depression!!


LyndaB said...

Thanks for sharing this - I don't think you're the villain and bravo to you for letting her do all the quarrelling and position changing while you just stood still.. and she came around to what was appropriate regarding the tickets.

I don't know why some people get stuck in their own adolescence, but that sounds like what she's doing. If she's able to act more maturely with others but not with you, that's *her* trapped in her own story, not you.

I've got a daughter that serially does this as well and a few years ago, I was right where you are - everything being so hard I couldn't dredge up a happy ending, or even a happy milestone and I wound up shutting myself off from my own support system because I was ashamed of what was happening to me. Don't do that, ok?

With my own daughter, I've taken the path of being nice when she's nice... and just cutting off the conversation when she starts the blame game about things that are over. Hang up the phone, end the conversation, temporarily block her from FB...whatever needs to happen. Yes, she still yells - doesn't mean I have to fill up my own heart with the sludge she's spewing. Just because someone is trying to give you all that doesn't mean you have to accept it and drown in it.

I'm sure somewhere she's got a weblog telling everyone how frustrating and 'abandoning' I am to only want to relate to the daughter that doesn't sound crazy to me... but that's ok too.

Hang in there and don't worry about other people's expectations of what story you should tell or what sort of ending you get to have. :)

Wendy said...

I don't think you're a villain at all, Sue. I know I struggle with just venting all the crap in my life when I blog, which is why I have a separate blog for that (which I'm still working on) but this is YOUR blog and YOUR place to vent and you can never control how many people will follow you or read your blog. Is your blogging helping you out? That's what's important. Stay true to yourself. I'm dealing with major issues with my son, so I can completely understand the horrible pain you're experiencing with your daughter.

Blessings to you...

Magic Gypsy said...

Try not to worry about followers - people come and people go. If it's raining and you say it's raining, that's not being a villain.