Monday, September 12, 2011

Monday Muse- never enough

I had a MUCH different writing planned for today. However, I felt compelled to share these feeling with you. I will share the originally planned Monday Muse for next week.
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I recorded every show this weekend, and when watching the memorial and the reading of the names, I was crying, and had to stop at the Letter E, I will turn it back on and watch more. I am crying now. I balled like a baby 10 years ago...on and off for days!

My Family, though horror struck, did not seem to share my emotional depth in this tragedy. My children kept saying, "Mom, you don't know any of these people, and Uncle George luckily wasn't in the City today, why are you crying so much?"  I was like, "how can any of you NOT be crying?" My youngest said she cried in school when it happened and was announced and then all the classroom TVs were turned on. (they were in HS, my 2 youngest...freshman and sophomore...my oldest had graduated the year before)

My husband had just went back to work the Wednesday before, half days (being out of work since Father's day in June)after having 2 heart attacks 5 days apart in June, followed by a double bypass. My Mother (in Florida) weeks later had 5 bypasses...followed by complications. I could have lost them both. I then had another one of my kidney stones, and on Aug. 10 had to put my best friend down. "Honey" my beautiful 10 year old White German Sheppard,- Bladder CA. 

The summer of 2001, was ONE of the hardest times in my life, I count Sept. 11 in with that as it was still summer.  I will NEVER forget any of it. I was glued to the TV almost 24/7 napping here and there. I  called the 4 main hospitals that they were planning on sending the wounded to, to offer my assistance as an X-ray Tech and former Certified Nursing assistant. They took my name and info., told me they appreciated my offer to help, and would call if and when they were short with help. No call ever came, no call ever would come. it was apparent after about 4 days, the hope was disappearing. My hope disappeared. My innocence, what was left of it at that point in my life was sheared off my body, burned out of my soul, taken away from my dreams. My naivety was made appallingly obvious. My smallness palpable. My inner sweet child was screaming! 

I felt guilty, for what I am not exactly sure. My friends said it is because I FEEL things so deeply. My husband said it is because I was always trying to make things better in the world around me, and was quick to point out that basically, he tried to tell me that people suck and the world had gone to hell in a hand basket years ago. (my husband is 19 years older than I, and most likely had already lost all that I was losing that day, long before)  I think I felt guilty for being untouched in my home, with my loved ones and friends all safe from harm. I think I felt guilty because I was not one of  "those people" walking around with photos, and nailing posters up of their missing loved one. I very well could have been. My brother worked in NYC for a large cleaning company, I do not know if they had any contracts near the WTC or not. He wasn't one of the laborers, he was an exec. However, he was an exec of operations, which means he would go and check on things. EVER SO fortunately, he was working out of the NJ office that day.  I am crying again now, so much loss. The wound will never be healed for SO many. I weep for them.

As I watched some of the shows yesterday, I was shocked to find it all right there again, just under the surface, the deep loss I WAS feeling. Helpless, Hopeless, Useless, even slightly nauseous. There is NOTHING I could do for any of these people, except pray, light candles, meditate and send out peaceful and calming energy. Sadly, it will never be enough.

6 comments:

Dezinaworld said...

I agree Susan, i dont even live in that country but i felt so sad i couldnt even watch it being repeated, its so terrible.
By the way thanks for the comment about fun friday. Sadly, i know i wont be able to cope especially as dads just gotten news that he now has lung cancer and problems with his adrenal glands. its going to be very tough again like it was back in february. I didnt mention it on the blog as i wanted to keep it fairly quiet. Its lovely that you would like it to continue and i have enjoyed it so maybe in the future when things are not as difficult i may rethink it.
hugs June xxxx

Fairfield House said...

Susan,

I understand all you experienced because I feel much the same. I cannot recall that day without a lump in my throat or tears in my eyes. I was too close to all of it. One day I will share my experiences but ten years later and it's still all too raw. There is no understanding evil. The only solace I get is KNOWING that life is eternal. Love is immortal. Death is only a horizon; and a horizon is nothing but the limit of one's sight.

Your Friend,
Deborah

Toriz said...

I understand now all that you were feeling. But at the time I would have been thinking along the lines of your kids... In fact, I was. I feel guilty for it now, but once I was sure all the people I knew were safe... Well, all I can say in my defence is that I was 16, and the USA is so far away from here. Like I said though, I feel guilty now... Guilty that I was only concerned for the people I knew (the losses that would affect me) and wasn't thinking about the others affected by the tragedy.

They say in this country that a 16 year old is old enough to make their own choices... They aren't. 16 is still so young!

Linda Carole Bloom said...

I felt much the same way. As caregivers, we are "hard wried" to help and care for people. I live close to NY as well and thought about going into the city to help (my cousin lives in Manhattan) but it soon became apparent that there weren't survivors. We can't forget, and we should not forget. Take care of yourself. Love, Linda

Lynn Stevens said...

I cried too! and again watching the shows 10 years later. My heart goes out to all that were effected by this tragedy!
hugs Lynn

Birgit said...
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