the Karma Project: 30 Days of Truth

I am Participating in THE 30 days of Truth…through THE KHARMA PROJECT!!
Starting 11/10Day 01 → Something you hate about yourself. Day 02 → Something you love about yourself. Day 03 → Something you have to forgive yourself for. Day 04 → Something you have to forgive someone for. Day 05 → Something you hope to do in your life. Day 06 → Something you hope you never have to do. Day 07 → Someone who has made your life worth living for. Day 08 → Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit. Day 09 → Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted. Day 10 → Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know. Day 11 → Something people seem to compliment you the most on. Day 12 → something you never get compliments on. Day 13 → A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.) Day 14 → A hero that has let you down. (letter) Day 15 → Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it. Day 16 → Someone or something you definitely could live without. Day 17 → A book you’ve read that changed your views on something. Day 18 → Your views on gay marriage. Day 19 → What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics? Day 20 → Your views on drugs and alcohol. Day 21 → (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do? Day 22 → Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life. Day 23 → Something you wish you had done in your life. Day 24 → Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter) Day 25 → The reason you believe you’re still alive today. Day 26 → Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why? Day 27 → What’s the best thing going for you right now? Day 28 → What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do? Day 29 → Something you hope to change about yourself. And why. Day 30 → A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself

Blogs who have or are participating in “The 30 Posts of Truth”

The Year of the Cats
Cot­tage Tails
Faerie Sage Kitchen
Hope Dies Last
Sea Side Diaries of a Kim­ber­line
Sweet Solil­o­quies
The Dream Life
Witchy Gumbo
  • Fully Fashioned
  • Mother Moon

    30 days of 1

    (warning a bit long)Today I must share something I HATE about myself, hmmmm  I am not a person who really hates, though I use the phrase "oooh, I hate that!" (a lot)

    I think the word HATE can sometimes mean slightly different things, and I also think it is a word that is over-used.

    I can give you a list of things "I hate" in the world, in other people, food-wise etc.

    Speaking for myself, there are a few things "I hate"

    First up, I hate that over the years of being married to a man with diabetic mood swings, having my MISERABLE, MANIPULATIVE,MEDDLING, MIL live with us for 10 years plus raising 2 children, both ADHD, one also with ODD that were 14 months apart. In addition to having to battle with my X over getting my lousy $40 a week in child support for my oldest daughter.  Let me go from this:
    In morning after my son was born, I was nursing him in this picture...1986 (about 160 post baby)

    to this:
    Labor day weekend 2003 at the Cape May County Zoo with Tom and Amanda (and some of their friends) at about 240 lbs.

    Now let me explain, I know, I know this is aesthetics, BUT it is also about EMOTIONAL EATING.
    Granted my endocrinologist said there will be a gene discovered that is for obesity(in 2004).  Since I had a whole slew of Chunky and Fat Aunts on my father's side of the family, he said at least in part I couldn't help it, and should consider something like LA weight loss first, and if that didn't work have the gastric bypass surgery. He was right about the gene. Within  18 months of that appointment, Doctors in the UK discovered the gene for obesity. I will NEVER do the Gastric Bypass, though I am considering Gastric Banding.  I just do not feel it is right that there will be a longer list of foods I can't eat compared to the foods I can eat for the rest of my life.

    Chronology of weight: 130lbs. get pregnant with Thomas, gain 44 lbs. immediately lose 24 pounds (within the first month) Still 20 pounds to go, I found out I was pregnant again, Tom was about 3 months old. I gained 38 lbs. with Amanda who was my biggest baby at 8lbs. 14 oz. 22 3/4" long (she beat Tom by 4 oz. and 1/4") I only lost about 10-11 pounds. very strange I thought, considering between the baby and the placenta that alone was more than 11 lbs. So I am now at least 48 lbs. in the hole.  I stayed around that weight going up and down 5-10lbs. here and there until the winter of 1994. 

    Two days after Christmas 1993, we had a car wreck. *I'd like to add a side note here that I had been going to school P/T at this point for pre-nursing and had been accepted into the RN program, I only had 2 classes left before starting the program* I had injured both knees, my low back, my neck, and multiple contusions etc. I was out of work for a while, going through PT for the back and neck, and seeing the ortho guy for my knees, In April I had arthroscopic surgery on the right knee, and in the Sept. the left knee. Sitting home all this time, I gained about 30 lbs. putting me hovering around 200 lbs.  The surgery helped, however the Dr. told me to forget about being a Nurse, that I would never be able to be on my legs for 12 hours at a time. I was devastated and had so dreamed of being a final goal was to be a NICU nurse. (neonatal ICU--sick babies) I decided to go back to school F/T, for Medical goal to become an MRI Tech.  I was a smoker at this time, and as I should have never been a smoker (born with asthma) I decided to try quitting again. It was not going so well. however I got ill with Bronchitis, and if you know anything about being a smoker and getting bronchitis, there are at least a couple of days that you are so sick and coughing so much you do not smoke. I saw this and recognized an opportunity.  In that time period you need an RX for a nicotine patch system, I called the Dr. and got one (on top of the antibiotics he had given me 3 days before). I put the patch one before I started feeling better, before the urge to smoke was greater than the feeling of coughing up a lung.  It worked!!! I was crabby for about a week and felt a like a smoke every few hours for the first few days, but it worked!!! This coming January 9th will be my 16th anniversary of NOT SMOKING!  I was up to almost 2 full packs of Marlboro light 100s a day.
    Bad news:  I gained 35 lbs. Now I am hovering around 230lbs. When I was finished with all my pre-reqs. I went off to TJU in Philly. and lived on campus for 2 years. being lonely and homesick, I gained about 20 lbs. I  had arthroscopic surgery on my right knee and carpal tunnel release of the right wrist the same day Dec 2000.  I gained another 15lbs. over the next year working as a per diem X-ray tech and looking for a F/T or P/T MRI position. I found one back in Philly. I lost 20 lbs. over the year I worked at Graduate Hospital in South Philly (amazing really, as the commute was 2 hours and quite stressful). They were bolught out, and I saw the handwriting on the wall, as did many of my colleagues, I started applying  closer to home again. I found a F/t job  at the last employer I had, the place I got injured at, the place I caught MRSA from  AtlantiCare Regional in AC, NJ. Anyway I told them I couldn't start before Feb 10, gave notice at graduate, 12/20 was my last day of work, had my other knee and other wrist done in January, and then started on what I thought was going to be my last job in a hospital, but thinking I'd be there about 10 years or so.  I started Feb. 2003 and you see the pic. above is 2003.  I got injured April 25th 2005, MRSA discovered in surgical site July of 2005, IV finally stopped in Nov. 2005 after the lose of 3 bones, some muscle, and a few tendons in that injured wrist.  I underwent extensive therapy, and then it was discovered from over-use of the right arm during the left wrist issue that I had torn the same muscle in 2 places above the right elbow, he had to remove that section of muscle--May 2007. I had sinus surgery to remove several polyps in July 2007, and had my Left knee replaced in February of 2008. so all of this time, being quite sedate I have packed on more weight am now I am hovering around 300-310 give or take 10 lbs. at any moment.

    Ron and I at Tamarack, WV in Nov 2009, it was quite difficult for me to sit in an Adirondack chair and had to hold myself forward (with bad hand no less), so this angle makes my double chin quite prominent. I was in "long drive clothes" thus sweatpants.
    in April 2009, at a mini girls reunion 3 weeks before my 30th class reunion (which was actually a year late)

    Here is Ron and I, this picture was at my Godson's wedding 7/8/05, it was an outdoor wedding in the mountains, and it poured rain, it was postponed for a little while, but too late we were all drowned rats, my updo, took a beating. ANYWAY I am in a cast here, the initial repair and grafting surgery to the wrist was 6/29/05. less than a week after this photo was taken I was in the hospital preparing to have I&D(irrigation & drainage--he also removed the 2 support pins he had in there) surgery7/16/05 and already on Vancomycin for the MRSA.* I had a 2nd I&D surgery in Oct 2005, when he removed the 3 bones, and placed a "bracelet" of antibiotic beads in there all around the wrist, and continued the IV antibiotics, then in Nov. he removed the beads, and a week later the IV was stopped.

    This is Dr. Marszyk "Stash"(my hand surgeon--arm too) and me, I believe this is mid Sept. 2007
    BTW he went to TJU med school (I went to TJU allied health) he lives in the town my hubby works, and I believe he is only about 5 years younger than me. but OOOH how we all wished he was a family doc. he is soo awesome, and introduces himself as "Stash"(short for Stanley) he wants to be on a first name basis with his patients, which is how it should be.

    Anyway, even though part of it may be in my genes, I hate that I am an emotional eater...stressed out or upset-usually angry, sometimes hurt. If I am really hurting I tend not to eat at all.
    I HATE that my injuries (I only talked really about the wrist in detail, but there is so much more) have caused me to become anxious and depressed...this is NOT the me I remember being. I remember that gal way up in the top picture. Always smiling, always in a good mood etc.

    I HATE that my disabilities mean my husband who is 69, STILL has to work F/T.  That was the whole reason I went back to school, to make a career so he could retire on time, and I would have been the main bread winner. (I know it really was not something I caused to happen, but I feel guilty anyway, most of the time Ron reminds me of this, but sometimes, when he is frustrated he slips and makes a comment)

    I HATE that I still owe 46K in student loans and will never work in that field again. A job that I ABSOLUTELY LOVED and miss sooo terribly!

    Additionally, I HATE that ADHD makes one very good at making friends, but bad at keeping them--- we wear them out, or become annoying. Which makes it a double edged sword, because without the ADHD, I do not think I would be nearly as intelligent or creative as I am.
    Lastly, but most likely the most important. I hate that for some reason  my perception of myself and what I am conveying is OFTEN perceived differently by others, which is in a negative light to them, and in a honest light to me. I did not give this much space, because it is not something I have figured anything out about yet.


    Sus said...
    Oh, Susan..... such pain and frustration in your words today... I am so sorry you have had to go through this. I have a candle lit for you today.... for comfort....
    Sew Loquacious Angela said...
    I HATE that you have gone through everything you've talked about here. I can relate to your knee issues and appreciate how frustrating and depressing that can be. I've been "dealing" with 3 ACL reconstructions and everything that goes with that..all from an original injury that happened when I was a teen! I'm now impatiently waiting for a new knee! Anyway, it gets me down frequently especially as I get older...and heavier, unfortunately. I think it's true though..the things we go through, even the stuff that sucks, makes us the people we are..without those experiences, we wouldn't be "us" now...and you are totally creative and beautiful..inside and out. Angela
    Wendy said...
    You have survived a lot of trauma, Sue, I'm so sorry that you've had to experience all that. Physical health is so important. And I can understand your hating all the pain you're living with. And you know I have ADD too which definitely makes life more interesting ;)
    Aelwyn said...
    *hugs* I understand your physical pain, and the emotional stuff that goes with it. I also get the gaining weight. While I have no children (I had a hysterectomy a few months ago), I was put on massive amounts of estrogen and gained 40+ lbs in 4 months. Then when my illness (Chronic Diffuse Pain Disorder--like Fibro but with more pain and wacky stuff too) made it difficult to walk or do anything, I gained a bit more. Now I'm on meds that make me gain weight. I'm stuck at 214lbs, and on a NEW med that makes one gain weight, so I have to start exercising again (luckily the pill helps extend my lidocaine injections). I also can't eat fruits and veggies (minus squash, turnip and sweet potatoes) because of gastro issues. THAT makes it hard to eat healthy! Sorry for "me me meing", but I just want you to know I'm right there with you, hon! I understand, and it totally sucks. *gentle hugs*

  • 30 days of 2

    Today I have to write something I love about myself.  I am not conceited and going to say their is a lot I love about myself. However I am also not a full fledged self-hater and won't say that there isn't anything I love about myself.

    I wasn't decided what one thing I was going to write about until this scandal with Amazon and the pedophile book came about. that made the decision for me.

    One thing I love about myself, is that I totally and 100% stand up for my beliefs, my principles, my point-of-view. Sometimes this makes me the outcast. Sometimes I am persuasive enough to actually have others change their opinion. Sometimes after discussions, I may change my point-of-view. But like TOM PETTY says..."No, I won't back down, I will stand my ground and I won't back down."

    For anyone who has ever done the "team building seminar" at work or through scouting or a school system call "True Colors" (similar to "what color is your parachute")  you know what I mean when I say I am a GREEN!  It is sooo true, as a green I fight for the underdogs, and I hate injustice of any kind.  ALL TRUE!! 

    Today's example is the fact that while I find it WRONG, and DISGUSTING that Amazon would carry a book  that is like a guide for pedophiles. The Author had the right to write it. (1rst amendment) and Amazon has the right to sell it, they are honoring NON-CENSORSHIP.  

    I HATE it the whole situation, but because it is their right to do so, I wouldn't agree to an IMMEDIATE boycott of their company. I wanted to think more, read more, and see what time brought, as this just happened. In fact it is already "off their shelves".  

    However, because I wouldn't agree with a handful of women on someone else's blog of IMMEDIATE BOYCOTTING. I have been labeled as not having a conscious and I am being "Pitied for not having any understanding".  

    BEING a GREEN  makes me a fierce and loyal friend, in addition to fighting for the underdog, hating and fighting for any injustice. I am Happy to be GREEN. I am Happy to stand up for what I believe in.


    Sus said...
    Thanks for sharing.... these posts are so personal, you are very brave.
    Faerie Sage said...
    I know how you feel, I had the same kind of feelings about the amazon thing, though I am glad they pulled the book. Be yourself its the most beautiful person you can be. Blessings
    Faerie Sage said...
    Thanks for all your lovely comments! I have been away for a couple of days and am a little tardy blog wise. I am glad that you were strong enough to walk away from he who shall not be named and that you are moving forward in your life. You can use the alphabet, I got it from elsewhere as well, if you wish to change it I don't see why not! Blessings

    Sara said...
    wow I didnt even know about the amazon thing but I definitely agree with you and glad to know they have taken it off their shelves. Enjoy the journey with the 30 days of truth. Hugs Sara
    Wendy said...
    It is so important to have integrity and self-respect, Sue and you're a great example of "walking the talk." I've learned a lot about you and love the reasons you've blogged about how you love yourself!
    Molly @ A Bit O' Shine said...
    Wow, had not even heard about the amazon thing. Don't you think it's weird that if you are firm in your beliefs then you are hated? Shouldn't people be impressed with your resolve? It's not exactly easy to always stand up to people. And I always feel like everyone is allowed their opinion except me. Really bugs me. I also wanted to stop by and let you know I got my package and blogged about it - thank you!

    30 days of 3

    Today is the day I must post something that I forgive MYSELF for...

    I have been thinking and thinking on this. I know it is going to sound really bad if I say I can not really think of anything I forgive myself for. But I am having a hard time, the few things that have come to mind are rather trivial and superficial. There is one possibly 2 larger items that are connected, but the public forum of a blog is really not an appropriate place as, it could have ramifications that might hurt a few people if they see this...though most of the hurting is in me, and it is something I only speak to myself about in my mind, if I spoke about it aloud, then others who are unaware that are close to me, would be hurting also.  so what am I to do?...

    I can say I forgive myself for feeling guilty over getting hurt-on-the-job, and having spine issues, which have made me disabled, CAUSING my 69 yo husband to still work F/T.  I KNOW in my practical mind that of course it is NOT my fault. However, I do not know if I can forgive myself, as there are daily reminders of what my disabilities are doing to this family.

    In those moments when I look at my husband dozing in his chair at 7:30pm out of sheer exhaustion, knowing he has Coronary Artery Disease, a history of 2 heart attacks and a double bypass surgery, is an Insulin-Dependent, Uncontrolled Diabetic (for over 26 years) with complications (the heart disease for one, but he also has Diabetic his vision is going) those moments, I SOOOO feel guilty!!!
    He supported me while I went back to college late in the game, even played Mr. mom while I lived on campus 2 hours away, and only coming home e/o weekend. All of that so I could have a good career and be the bread winner and he could retire. Ron could have retired at 61, he had enough time in with the PO, his plan was to retire at 62, and find some other work P/T, like Home Depot or possibly on a Fishing boat.  Well due to issues with the house, he just kept working. then I got injured in 2005, that August he turned 64. In November, since I was still on an IV, they no longer would hold my job for me. After speaking with my manager in December, knowing they had NOT filled my position yet, she told me, I could not be hired for my old job due to my new lifting restrictions. Even the workers Comp nurse who worked for OUR health system tried talking to her, reminding her, that I was a good, experienced technologist, WITH a BS in my field and full training in MRI, not just an X-ray tech that had cross-trained, that it was a waste of my resources for her not to hire me back, and what about my co-workers or a Tech aid to do the patient transfers?

    My manager told her, that would be "unfair" to my coworkers, and that they would not hire a tech aid just for MRI, the Workers comp coordinator told her that they could hire one more tech aid for the entire department, and that way there would be more of them to be available for patient transfers. She went on to remind her of the Disabilities act, and that hiring a tech aid is not considered "above and beyond".
    The Manager's reply was, no  it wasn't, however if they could hire another MRI tech that didn't have disabilities, and therefore no need to hire a second employee, which would cost more money, they were legally within their rights.

    SOOOOO....If, I had been off the IV by Nov. 4, my job would still be my own, and basically they would be required to hire a tech aid. (but then maybe a year or so later, the spine would have started up and that would have been the end anyway, I suppose)

    I was the higher earner out of Ron and I, and not only did it NOT bother him, he bragged about it to people.  So, when I lost my job, career, and income, WE lost more than 50% of our income, it led to my car being repoed. it led to there not being any money for repair work. It led to Ron NOT being able to retire at ALL, since we have a $1350+ mortgage payment each month (that includes taxes and ins.)

    Ron also knows it, in his practical brain that this is NOT my fault. however in those moments when his SS check comes each month (which was supposed to be building a nest egg for retirement) he now has to use it to pay monthly bills. He'll forget like humans do, and make a not-so-nice comment, about me not working. When a part goes on his truck, or a vet bill comes up for the cats or he needs to buy new work sneakers or boots, and has to dig a little deeper, he'll slip and make a comment.

     I know he does not mean the comments, but they hurt, and they add to my already on-again, off-again guilty feelings.

    I am not in therapy, I should be. However, if the cost is the same using our insurance for me to go to a psychologist vs. a social worker...I want the psychologist, I want the real is my small amount of money. (That I now get from SS, which by the way is being garnished for 20% for student loans).  So far, I have not been successful in finding a psychologist "In Network" only social workers.  I see a Psychiatrist every 2 months for med check, and 15 minutes of "therapeutic chat" but I just found out from her, she is no longer  "In Network".  Here's the rub...the Helpful nurse coordinators with BC/BS that found me this Doc at the time, told me she was the only psychiatrist that would agree to see me, without me being in therapy.:::::::::::::::sigh::::::::::::::::::::::::

    So I guess, I will forgive myself for becoming disabled and being a burden on my family. I will also forgive myself for continually thinking about the "what if this didn't happen"

    Or at least make it a daily routine to remind myself, and tell myself it was not your fault, I forgive you.


    Sus said...
    Forgiveness is freeing.... you are not at fault for the path your life has taken..... walk it with your head held high.
    Wendy said...
    Oh, Sue, it is essential for you not to condemn yourself at all for your health. We're all doing the best we can and you've been really struggling I know and maintaining friendships, blogging, being a mother, wife, etc...I admire you so much. And there are places you can find a good therapist, if you look in the Yellow pages for counseling centers, they often have interns. so if you may not be able to afford a professional therapist, there are some pretty good interns. I used to be an intern, and we were very carefully watched over by supervisors. Many licensed therapists also offer sliding scales depending on stuff like health insurance, employment, etc...Go out and interview these therapists. If they charge you for these interviews, I wouldn't even see them. Find out who can really be there for you, how they work, can you learn from them, etc...Don't give up and definitely forgive yourself for anything you're doing your best at.

    30 days of 4

    today I need to FORGIVE SOMEONE ELSE.

    Slightly over a year ago my 2 closest friends and a few other scrapbooking "buddies" went away for a big scrapbooking convention.  Usually in the past I go, in fact for the most part it used to be: My daughter and I, my daughter's best friend, these 2 close friends, and sometimes 1 other scrapping buddy.  Generally, I was the one who would reserve either one room with 2 doubles and a pullout, or 2 rooms. I also was pretty much always the main coordinator of the event for our group. The one close friend would help. However now, that I was not earning a paycheck due to being disabled, I could not afford to go. I thought about going up for the one day, take a class or 2 and stay for the big "cropping party" and then drive home...well my daughter and I. She didn't want to go unless we could go for the whole weekend.  I told her that I couldn't afford it (which she really knew as she did live home) and suggested she go without me, she didn't really want to give up an entire weekend at work (it was still her seasonal (summer) job and she was one of the higher seniority and earned good money) I didn't push. However, her friend did push...and something must have happened between them, cause they all of a sudden were not so close, and my daughter wasn't really even talking to her anymore. ...we'll be coming back to this...

    Ok.. a bit of history here...the one close friend, was my niece's Best Friend since she was in 9th grade. The gal was older than her by about 5 years, which made her younger than me by about 6 years (so Basically I have known her since about 1988-89). My niece had a daughter , very young, and she was the same age as my daughter. When they were younger I convinced my niece to have a brownie troop with her and my daughter, with her BF as co-leader.  They did, it worked great all the way through the junior years, so basically 6 years, during this time, I became closer with the friend, and so did my daughter who started calling her "Auntie". In addition to scouting, This friend was almost always at any family events that my niece was at. (she was adopted by older folks, and was an only child with no cousins or anything) Therefore she was in my life a lot. Then when she wanted to get into scrapbooking, her and I got even closer.

    The other friend...was a woman older than me by 10 years we met in 2002, at an all day scrapbooking crop.  We were sitting across from each other, we had been introduced once before, but this was the first actual time we spent together. She announced she was having a house built in my town, and was going to have a large scrapping/crafting room in her basement, and said you can come over and scrap with me etc. In addition, I was a demonstrator for STAMPIN' UP at the time, and she loved their products and became one of my customers.  After she finally moved in, and had me over for the first time, there was a fellow teacher there also, a younger gal, who I also knew through scrapbooking, we weren't friends, but we knew each other. This was really quite nice. The friend started having "scrap days" e/o Saturday, and  after a bit, due to her hubby (not wanting to give up her time spent with him) it became the 2nd Saturday of the month. She told I could invite anyone else in the area I knew that scrapped. I invited one lady who was not a friend but a "scrapping buddy"
    and my other friend. Eventually, my Daughter started bringing her friend.

    So, I have one friend who is becoming closer to me, and we've known each other quite well for several years...(camping weekends together etc) and this new friend, who by and large was someone  that we both were able to confide in each other etc. We became very close...and she always told me, that she considered me one of her best friends, and that I could talk to her about anything any time, and she would keep my confidences etc. At this time in my life was when I had been injured on the job, and was dealing with MRSA and having an IV etc. (just to help with the timeline)She was very involved in school task groups and "eastern Star" (the ladies of the free masons) so she really didn't socialize outside of SBing. She also had a child that was 18 but severely retarded and also autistic. She only came home one weekend a month.

    ok, fast forward.  I was  now disabled. There was some stuff going on with my niece that was NOT good, so my friend, that was my niece's BF and I often would discuss some of the stuff when we were at the other friend's monthly scrap day. We were in agreement, about what she was doing wrong etc. Additionally so was her own sister, and other friends, and My sister(her mother).  Basically we had all been saying the same stuff not just to each other but even to her face, to try and convince her etc. I can not and will not go into the details to protect her children.  anyway so this situation went from being a bad idea, to being a real life nightmare. Nothing could be done to change it, but we all still talked about it anyway.

    ok along the way,we had done a few conventions together  (as for a while I was getting  WC checks while I was still undergoing medical care)  then that stopped and I couldn't go anymore. so now  we are back to where the story started. These 2 friends of mine, and my one scrapping buddy, and some new scrapping buddies of my friend  that ran the scrap days, all went away for a scrap weekend without me or my daughter or her friend.  The next time we were all at the friend's house, not only did I notice a change in the atmosphere, but so did my daughter. My long time friend, was now sitting  with the other friends "scrapping buddies" and not with me for one thing. we also became noticing that she was not so quick to have my daughter and I over to her home once  in a while to do some rubber stamping (as I was teaching her more and more) My daughter even asked her a few times, "hey Auntie, how come we haven't gotten together?" She would use her son and homework as an excuse. Amanda and I didn't really say anything to each other but we knew something wasn't right, as she had always had the son, and he always had HW.  At  the next scrap day, the olne friend was helping my long time friend with some project, and I overheard them say something about when the friend had been over to my long time friend's house (*note, the new friend, did not know this area of the state, and really had no desire to, any time any of us asked her about shopping etc.  she either still did everything south...where her hubby was from, or west where she was from and her mom still lived)  so I was surprised to hear that she had been north by more than 4 towns, when they really weren't that close. When my daughter's friend came up to us as we were leaving that night outside and asked us "hey what is going on with you guys and __________ and __________?"  I didn't have an answer for her other than i don't know. Amanda said to her, yea, something is weird, it is like they are now becoming closer to each other and both walking away from mom.  I emailed the long time friend a few days later, and asked her if I had done something to upset her etc. etc. she did not reply for almost a week and said no, that there was just a lot of stuff going on at her job, and with her son and school.  I emailed the other friend, got an immediate reply, that there was nothing wrong, and that my depression must be getting the best of me, as I was acting a bit "paranoid".

    this change in the "hierarchy" and the atmosphere was more and more noticeable with each passing month.   Then something happened....they all went away again for another convention, and this time Amanda's friend did go. when they saw each other at work on monday, Amanda's friend asked her if she "had anything she wanted to tell her?" My daughter was like no, what are you talking about. the friend said to her something about  your God mother ? (my niece) Amanda said again, NO, what are you talking about? the friend went on to blurt about some stuff about my niece that given her present circumstances was quite shocking, and even worse then the last time she did something stupid. Basically the friend was now, more or less lecturing my daughter on my niece.

    Amanda called me right away and asked if I had heard anything about this? I told her no, she texted her cousin, my great-niece who totally confirmed what her friend knew, and actually gave her more information.  Amanda called me back to tell me. We were both not only shocked but dumbfounded.

    I sooo needed to vent my feelings on this matter.  School was not back yet, so I knew my friend would be home, so I shot her off an email like I always did when I needed to vent (you can talk to me about anything, anytime, and I'll keep your confidences---remember)  OK...well she wrote me back about some of her ideas for possibly why my niece did what she did. and that was that. or so I thought.
     About a week later, I am now engaged in a very nasty battle with my niece via the internet, and it turns out it is all stemmed from THESE 2 supposed FRIENDS of mine.  first the fact the the long time friend--the niece's BFF was talking about her and her situation while they were away in public to a group of women that did not know my niece(the other friend knew of her, and so did my daughter's friend) their group away this particular weekend included 3 rooms and about 9 women. so FIRST...the old friend, the niece's BFF was very wrong for talking about MY family's business out in public like that. I didn't say it to her or anyone, but I was saying it now loud and clear to my niece.

    My niece went on to say that she didn't care, I was the one that was making trouble. I was like me? what do you mean? well she forwarded me back my original email to my friend, that SHE had FORWARDED to the long time friend, who sent it along to my niece...UTTER BETRAYAL of my confidences, right?  so if this wasn't bad enough, my niece went on to forward a few of other emails back to me from the BFF from over the past 3 years. HOLY SHIT!  you could have knocked me over with a feather. BOTH of my "good" friends had betrayed me. the one, I believe was a one time deal(not positive) but led to my virtually being disowned by my niece. the other friend had been going behind my back for 3 years, sharing my emails with my niece, and BTW, her replies to me, and her direct emails to me, and our face to face conversations over those 3 years...were the same, she completely said the same stuff, as did my sister (niece's mom) and my other niece and cousins...but for some reason I was the BAD GUY.

    Now what you do not know is, that my niece, was like another daughter to me, I babysat them and lived weith them summers, while they were growing up, when my niece was becoming a handful at the age of 13, it was ME and my hubby, that my sister would call to come help. When she got pregnant at 15, and threatened to elope if my sister did not sign the papers giving permission for her to marry, and therefore married (an ass with sexual deviant issues) and moved out. I was the one my niece would call and reach out to, NOT her own mother. we had become very close, we were pregnant together. Amanda is 4 months older than my great-niece.

    so, this brings me to the forgiveness part. I simply can NOT forgive my friend that was my niece's BFF, as she totally had me buffaloed for 3 years and it was an ongoing turns out any email that I sent her, if it had any mention of my niece in it, she forwarded it to my niece. It didn't matter that she felt the same way or said the same things.  I just can't bring myself to do it.

    But "C"  the other friend, who as far as I know only did it the one time. I forgive you. I know we'll never be friends again, as too much stuff as gone under the bridge already, and I do not know if I could ever trust you again with any thoughts, let alone my inner most deepest ones. However i do forgive you.  I am going to send you an email saying so. Good luck in your Future life.


    Wendy said...
    How painful, Sue that a beloved family member of yours chose not to listen to her aunt and instead cut you off. Family if we get along with them, are so precious. And those friends of yours, it reminds me of high-school with all the whispers and innuendos and no one coming out and telling you what they need from you in terms of having a closer relationship. As Aine from "The Deepest Well" said, we can't force forgiveness. I also want to add, that forgiveness doesn't mean forgetting about something that has hurt you or saying it's o.k. what happened. It's about releasing any emotional bonds they have over you. A really good friend of mine said sometimes we have to pray "to be willing to be willing." Which is a great mantra for me. For your own peace of mind and heart, I hope you can let go for YOUR sake and release the pain you feel.
    Faerie Sage said...
    This is a very powerful, hopefully healing post. You have been truthful with yourself and the world and I hope through this you find peace. Blessings
    Sara said...
    phew, what a betrayal your friends did. They had no place to do any of that I think you are very good to forgive the one friend. I hope you have a lot of friends that you do trust and dont let that experience knock you back. I can only imagine what something like that would feel like. Hugs Sara
    Aelwyn said...
    *hugs* I can relate to issues, but I have them with my mother (I think she has BPD). My specialist (who's also a psychiatrist) said to make a pretty sign that says "She will not change", and to look at that whenever my mother does something crazy, or screams at me for no reason. I think you need something like for all those who are hurtful to you. *hugs hugs hugs*

    30 days of 5

    Today is day 5 in my 30 days of truth...which means I need to talk about: something I hope to do in my life.

    I am going to do this in list form, 5.5 years ago, this list was sooo much different.

    1. I hope to drop 100+ pounds.

    2. I hope to have the Honor of being a Grandmother bestowed upon me

    3. I hope Ron and I both live long enough to get out of this house, and start fresh somewhere else.**

    4.  If the above doesn't happen, **I hope at least one of our children moves home, married or not and helps with this 14 room house, and lives in harmony with us.

    5. If #3 does happen, I hope my Mom is still alive so she can go with us.

    6. I hope to establish a nice ETSY shop, and have it be successful

    7. I hope to publish at least one novel

    8. I hope to have less pain

    9. I hope my new decision on spirituality will lead to more harmony and understanding in my life

    10.  I hope ALL of my family members that are estranged from other family members or the whole family, drop their grudges, show forgiveness, realize love is what matters and rebuild the family.

    11. I hope to have a new friend or 2 in my real life.

    12. I hope I grow in my creative talents, and my spirituality.


    Faerie Sage said...
    I like the way you have done this! Very real and very possible goals. Thanks for sharing, your goals are 300x more likely to come true if you write them down! Blessings
    faerwillow said...
    ~eloquently written with some very powerful words to remain... "realize love is what matters and rebuild the family." forgiving can be ever so difficult but hodling onto such pain is even harder...something so many fail to realize...including me at is to short to hold onto the ugly... these things that you hope for...i wish for them to come to be in your life...i think this is such a wonderful journey you are embarking on by doing this 30 days of truth...much l♥ve and light upon you and yours~
    Sus said...
    From your the ears of the gods.....
    Tracy Suzanne said...
    Hi Susan. I'm new to your blog and I have to admit I saw your giveaway and came for it. But isn't that the great thing about blogland we meet for various reasons and we make wonderful new friends. I love this post and think it's something we should all think about doing. Who knows maybe I'll make my own list. Hugs...Tracy :)

    30 days of 6


    this one is the most simple one for me.

    1.  I hope to never have to bury one of my own children, or my brother's or sister's children, or their children

    2. I hope I never have to be worrying and wondering where I'm going to live.

    3. I hope I never have to worry where my next meal is coming from .

    4. I hope I am never put in the situation where I have to tell my nieces the truth about my sister and our mother.

    5. I hope that I never have to be so tough on my son that he ends up homeless or in jail. (he just refuses to grow up, and his ADHD and ODD wear people out)


    Faerie Sage said...
    I feel for you there, my partner has mild ADHD, and yes it truly is something that can just wear you out. I am amazed at how many people think he is just dumb or stupid because he does not do things or think about things the same way everyone else does. Kudos to you for recognizing how far things can go and for stating that you do not want it to ever go that far! Blessings
    Jane said...
    I understand this list so much. I worry a lot about living through this economy. I also know how it feels to live with a child who is difficult and does things differently. As much as I love him, it is exhausting at the same time.

    30 days of 7

    30 days of truth is:

    name someone that has made my life worth living

    well being 100% honest, I'll say 50% of the time it would be my husband of 25 years Ron. There are several reasons, why the percentage is not higher, but that is private.

    still being 100% honest I'll say 70% of the the time it would be my children: a daughter 28 from my first marriage, a son 24 and a daughter 23. Again I will not list why the percentage is not higher.

    still being 100% honest I'll say 90% of the time it would be my cat(and past cats and my beloved Sheppard "Honey" r-i-p)

    I'd also add MY family, which I was born into...50%...Parents only...90%, though my dad is gone now, in march it will be 6 years.

    My internet friends also have a percentage :) Lately how I feel...myself has no percentage.


    30 days of 8

    today I am to write about >>   
    Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.
     this is quite a list, really, and I will not totally elaborate on what they did or didn't do, just a rough idea

     My X-husband...abusive, in many ways
     My Late MIL...meddling, miserable depressed woman who refused to even try to live a life or get meds for herself, she lived with us for 10 years, the 2nd 5- I was her caregiver, the last year it was nearly round the clock.
     Co-workers at my last job, where I got disabled...not all of them in the radiology dept, but for sure 3out of the other 4 in our MRI dept. They did everything in there power to make me feel like an outsider from day one.
    **My 2 youngest children, mostly my son... he has severe ADHD and ODD, and as an adult I swear he very may well be a sociopath, he even says so. not violent, but he is not sympathetic, or anything he does only for him, and has a "what's in it for me attitude" the other is ADHD (as am I)  but raising them was a FULL TIME job on it's own and then some. they are 14 months apart. My son was non-stop, you couldn't give an idea...the year he was 3, we went through 8 babysitters, and I only needed a sitter for 2.5 hours  Mon.-Fri.  but I DO LOVE THEM BOTH VERY MUCH!
    MY Current Husband... nasty diabetic mood swings, not as social as i would like him top be. sometimes I really feel like I wasted 25 years of my life. I know that seems like a horrible thing to say, but I have my reasons, again I LOVE HIM with ALL my heart and I KNOW we are each other's soul mates, but being soulmates doesn't mean your life is going to be perfect. 
     My Oldest daughter...on and off for the last 10 years has been through so many life changes and attitude changes and is basically estranged from all of her family, and when we do try to reach out, she basically spits in our faces. Everything that is wrong, or has gone wrong in her life, she blames on me and her step dad and her Dad and step-mom. 
    Certain members of my extended family... no details on this.
    The GOD I was raised to believe in...has time and again not answered prayers, prayers made for 16 years and 18 years, Prayers that he should have had no reason not to answer, they would be pleasing to him, basically to save 2 people I love, to make them seek him out etc.  Not to mention for being a NON-PUNISHING God.  I am seeing a lot of punishment. this has been my position since 2005 and it heightened in 2007, when my great-niece daisy was born (see about her on my side bar)   things continued to go downhill, which is why i have walked away from him.
     In my life now-
    I'd like to say that since becoming disabled, my family has been increasingly belligerent at times towards me, and speak over me sometimes like I am not there, or treat me less than human.  Husband and son worse than youngest daughter. I also believe it has gotten worse since our son has moved home.  

    Did I mention he is the reason we had a house fire (it was accidental but because of him)  he also totaled our new truck back in 2004 because he did not follow my husband's instructions of "leave as soon as you see a flake fall"...we were due snow that night, and he hadn't any experience driving in snow and ice yet. He was at "the game shop" playing "Magic the gathering" and though it had started snowing he didn't want to walk out on a game, and sure enough a mile from the house he hit some ice, and HIT THE BRAKES...waaay wrong thing to do, and he spun around 3 times and ended up against the trees on the other side of the road, luckily, he had just turned onto the road and hadn't built up much speed, so he wasn't hurt, the airbag didn't even deploy, but he totally squashed the entire passenger side of the truck. We only had it a few years. It hurts to say it, but he seems to ruin much of what he touches.



    Wendy said...
    I'm so sorry Sue that the people that you really need the most right now aren't there for you in a way that's loving and supportive. I'm currently dealing with son issues as well, and as much as I love him, I'm not liking him right now. I hope you find some peace and courage about what actions to take about your current marriage. Life is way too short to be stuck in such an unhappy place. Sending you blessings and hugs.

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