Thursday, November 18, 2010

30 days of truth...day 4

today I need to FORGIVE SOMEONE ELSE.

Slightly over a year ago my 2 closest friends and a few other scrapbooking "buddies" went away for a big scrapbooking convention.  Usually in the past I go, in fact for the most part it used to be: My daughter and I, my daughter's best friend, these 2 close friends, and sometimes 1 other scrapping buddy.  Generally, I was the one who would reserve either one room with 2 doubles and a pullout, or 2 rooms. I also was pretty much always the main coordinator of the event for our group. The one close friend would help. However now, that I was not earning a paycheck due to being disabled, I could not afford to go. I thought about going up for the one day, take a class or 2 and stay for the big "cropping party" and then drive home...well my daughter and I. She didn't want to go unless we could go for the whole weekend.  I told her that I couldn't afford it (which she really knew as she did live home) and suggested she go without me, she didn't really want to give up an entire weekend at work (it was still her seasonal (summer) job and she was one of the higher seniority and earned good money) I didn't push. However, her friend did push...and something must have happened between them, cause they all of a sudden were not so close, and my daughter wasn't really even talking to her anymore. ...we'll be coming back to this...

Ok.. a bit of history here...the one close friend, was my niece's Best Friend since she was in 9th grade. The gal was older than her by about 5 years, which made her younger than me by about 6 years (so Basically I have known her since about 1988-89). My niece had a daughter , very young, and she was the same age as my daughter. When they were younger I convinced my niece to have a brownie troop with her and my daughter, with her BF as co-leader.  They did, it worked great all the way through the junior years, so basically 6 years, during this time, I became closer with the friend, and so did my daughter who started calling her "Auntie". In addition to scouting, This friend was almost always at any family events that my niece was at. (she was adopted by older folks, and was an only child with no cousins or anything) Therefore she was in my life a lot. Then when she wanted to get into scrapbooking, her and I got even closer. 

The other friend...was a woman older than me by 10 years we met in 2002, at an all day scrapbooking crop.  We were sitting across from each other, we had been introduced once before, but this was the first actual time we spent together. She announced she was having a house built in my town, and was going to have a large scrapping/crafting room in her basement, and said you can come over and scrap with me etc. In addition, I was a demonstrator for STAMPIN' UP at the time, and she loved their products and became one of my customers.  After she finally moved in, and had me over for the first time, there was a fellow teacher there also, a younger gal, who I also knew through scrapbooking, we weren't friends, but we knew each other. This was really quite nice. The friend started having "scrap days" e/o Saturday, and  after a bit, due to her hubby (not wanting to give up her time spent with him) it became the 2nd Saturday of the month. She told I could invite anyone else in the area I knew that scrapped. I invited one lady who was not a friend but a "scrapping buddy"
and my other friend. Eventually, my Daughter started bringing her friend.

So, I have one friend who is becoming closer to me, and we've known each other quite well for several years...(camping weekends together etc) and this new friend, who by and large was someone  that we both were able to confide in each other etc. We became very close...and she always told me, that she considered me one of her best friends, and that I could talk to her about anything any time, and she would keep my confidences etc. At this time in my life was when I had been injured on the job, and was dealing with MRSA and having an IV etc. (just to help with the timeline)She was very involved in school task groups and "eastern Star" (the ladies of the free masons) so she really didn't socialize outside of SBing. She also had a child that was 18 but severely retarded and also autistic. She only came home one weekend a month.


ok, fast forward.  I was  now disabled. There was some stuff going on with my niece that was NOT good, so my friend, that was my niece's BF and I often would discuss some of the stuff when we were at the other friend's monthly scrap day. We were in agreement, about what she was doing wrong etc. Additionally so was her own sister, and other friends, and My sister(her mother).  Basically we had all been saying the same stuff not just to each other but even to her face, to try and convince her etc. I can not and will not go into the details to protect her children.  anyway so this situation went from being a bad idea, to being a real life nightmare. Nothing could be done to change it, but we all still talked about it anyway.

ok along the way,we had done a few conventions together  (as for a while I was getting  WC checks while I was still undergoing medical care)  then that stopped and I couldn't go anymore. so now  we are back to where the story started. These 2 friends of mine, and my one scrapping buddy, and some new scrapping buddies of my friend  that ran the scrap days, all went away for a scrap weekend without me or my daughter or her friend.  The next time we were all at the friend's house, not only did I notice a change in the atmosphere, but so did my daughter. My long time friend, was now sitting  with the other friends "scrapping buddies" and not with me for one thing. we also became noticing that she was not so quick to have my daughter and I over to her home once  in a while to do some rubber stamping (as I was teaching her more and more) My daughter even asked her a few times, "hey Auntie, how come we haven't gotten together?" She would use her son and homework as an excuse. Amanda and I didn't really say anything to each other but we knew something wasn't right, as she had always had the son, and he always had HW.  At  the next scrap day, the olne friend was helping my long time friend with some project, and I overheard them say something about when the friend had been over to my long time friend's house (*note, the new friend, did not know this area of the state, and really had no desire to, any time any of us asked her about shopping etc.  she either still did everything south...where her hubby was from, or west where she was from and her mom still lived)  so I was surprised to hear that she had been north by more than 4 towns, when they really weren't that close. When my daughter's friend came up to us as we were leaving that night outside and asked us "hey what is going on with you guys and __________ and __________?"  I didn't have an answer for her other than i don't know. Amanda said to her, yea, something is weird, it is like they are now becoming closer to each other and both walking away from mom.  I emailed the long time friend a few days later, and asked her if I had done something to upset her etc. etc. she did not reply for almost a week and said no, that there was just a lot of stuff going on at her job, and with her son and school.  I emailed the other friend, got an immediate reply, that there was nothing wrong, and that my depression must be getting the best of me, as I was acting a bit "paranoid".

this change in the "hierarchy" and the atmosphere was more and more noticeable with each passing month.   Then something happened....they all went away again for another convention, and this time Amanda's friend did go. when they saw each other at work on monday, Amanda's friend asked her if she "had anything she wanted to tell her?" My daughter was like no, what are you talking about. the friend said to her something about  your God mother ? (my niece) Amanda said again, NO, what are you talking about? the friend went on to blurt about some stuff about my niece that given her present circumstances was quite shocking, and even worse then the last time she did something stupid. Basically the friend was now, more or less lecturing my daughter on my niece.

Amanda called me right away and asked if I had heard anything about this? I told her no, she texted her cousin, my great-niece who totally confirmed what her friend knew, and actually gave her more information.  Amanda called me back to tell me. We were both not only shocked but dumbfounded.

I sooo needed to vent my feelings on this matter.  School was not back yet, so I knew my friend would be home, so I shot her off an email like I always did when I needed to vent (you can talk to me about anything, anytime, and I'll keep your confidences---remember)  OK...well she wrote me back about some of her ideas for possibly why my niece did what she did. and that was that. or so I thought.
 About a week later, I am now engaged in a very nasty battle with my niece via the internet, and it turns out it is all stemmed from THESE 2 supposed FRIENDS of mine.  first the fact the the long time friend--the niece's BFF was talking about her and her situation while they were away in public to a group of women that did not know my niece(the other friend knew of her, and so did my daughter's friend) their group away this particular weekend included 3 rooms and about 9 women. so FIRST...the old friend, the niece's BFF was very wrong for talking about MY family's business out in public like that. I didn't say it to her or anyone, but I was saying it now loud and clear to my niece.

My niece went on to say that she didn't care, I was the one that was making trouble. I was like me? what do you mean? well she forwarded me back my original email to my friend, that SHE had FORWARDED to the long time friend, who sent it along to my niece...UTTER BETRAYAL of my confidences, right?  so if this wasn't bad enough, my niece went on to forward a few of other emails back to me from the BFF from over the past 3 years. HOLY SHIT!  you could have knocked me over with a feather. BOTH of my "good" friends had betrayed me. the one, I believe was a one time deal(not positive) but led to my virtually being disowned by my niece. the other friend had been going behind my back for 3 years, sharing my emails with my niece, and BTW, her replies to me, and her direct emails to me, and our face to face conversations over those 3 years...were the same, she completely said the same stuff, as did my sister (niece's mom) and my other niece and cousins...but for some reason I was the BAD GUY.

Now what you do not know is, that my niece, was like another daughter to me, I babysat them and lived weith them summers, while they were growing up, when my niece was becoming a handful at the age of 13, it was ME and my hubby, that my sister would call to come help. When she got pregnant at 15, and threatened to elope if my sister did not sign the papers giving permission for her to marry, and therefore married (an ass with sexual deviant issues) and moved out. I was the one my niece would call and reach out to, NOT her own mother. we had become very close, we were pregnant together. Amanda is 4 months older than my great-niece.

so, this brings me to the forgiveness part. I simply can NOT forgive my friend that was my niece's BFF, as she totally had me buffaloed for 3 years and it was an ongoing betrayal...it turns out any email that I sent her, if it had any mention of my niece in it, she forwarded it to my niece. It didn't matter that she felt the same way or said the same things.  I just can't bring myself to do it.

But "C"  the other friend, who as far as I know only did it the one time. I forgive you. I know we'll never be friends again, as too much stuff as gone under the bridge already, and I do not know if I could ever trust you again with any thoughts, let alone my inner most deepest ones. However i do forgive you.  I am going to send you an email saying so. Good luck in your Future life.

4 comments:

Wendy said...

How painful, Sue that a beloved family member of yours chose not to listen to her aunt and instead cut you off. Family if we get along with them, are so precious. And those friends of yours, it reminds me of high-school with all the whispers and innuendos and no one coming out and telling you what they need from you in terms of having a closer relationship. As Aine from "The Deepest Well" said, we can't force forgiveness. I also want to add, that forgiveness doesn't mean forgetting about something that has hurt you or saying it's o.k. what happened. It's about releasing any emotional bonds they have over you. A really good friend of mine said sometimes we have to pray "to be willing to be willing." Which is a great mantra for me. For your own peace of mind and heart, I hope you can let go for YOUR sake and release the pain you feel.

Faerie Sage said...

This is a very powerful, hopefully healing post. You have been truthful with yourself and the world and I hope through this you find peace.
Blessings

Sara said...

phew, what a betrayal your friends did. They had no place to do any of that I think you are very good to forgive the one friend. I hope you have a lot of friends that you do trust and dont let that experience knock you back. I can only imagine what something like that would feel like. Hugs Sara

Aelwyn said...

*hugs*

I can relate to issues, but I have them with my mother (I think she has BPD).

My specialist (who's also a psychiatrist) said to make a pretty sign that says "She will not change", and to look at that whenever my mother does something crazy, or screams at me for no reason.

I think you need something like for all those who are hurtful to you.

*hugs hugs hugs*