30 days of TRUTH...day 1

(warning a bit long)Today I must share something I HATE about myself, hmmmm  I am not a person who really hates, though I use the phrase "oooh, I hate that!" (a lot)


I think the word HATE can sometimes mean slightly different things, and I also think it is a word that is over-used.


I can give you a list of things "I hate" in the world, in other people, food-wise etc.

Speaking for myself, there are a few things "I hate"

First up, I hate that over the years of being married to a man with diabetic mood swings, having my MISERABLE, MANIPULATIVE,MEDDLING, MIL live with us for 10 years plus raising 2 children, both ADHD, one also with ODD that were 14 months apart. In addition to having to battle with my X over getting my lousy $40 a week in child support for my oldest daughter.  Let me go from this:

In morning after my son was born, I was nursing him in this picture...1986 (about 160 post baby)

to this:

Labor day weekend 2003 at the Cape May County Zoo with Tom and Amanda (and some of their friends) at about 240 lbs.

Now let me explain, I know, I know this is aesthetics, BUT it is also about EMOTIONAL EATING.

Granted my endocrinologist said there will be a gene discovered that is for obesity(in 2004).  Since I had a whole slew of Chunky and Fat Aunts on my father's side of the family, he said at least in part I couldn't help it, and should consider something like LA weight loss first, and if that didn't work have the gastric bypass surgery. He was right about the gene. Within  18 months of that appointment, Doctors in the UK discovered the gene for obesity. I will NEVER do the Gastric Bypass, though I am considering Gastric Banding.  I just do not feel it is right that there will be a longer list of foods I can't eat compared to the foods I can eat for the rest of my life.

Chronology of weight: 130lbs. get pregnant with Thomas, gain 44 lbs. immediately lose 24 pounds (within the first month) Still 20 pounds to go, I found out I was pregnant again, Tom was about 3 months old. I gained 38 lbs. with Amanda who was my biggest baby at 8lbs. 14 oz. 22 3/4" long (she beat Tom by 4 oz. and 1/4") I only lost about 10-11 pounds. very strange I thought, considering between the baby and the placenta that alone was more than 11 lbs. So I am now at least 48 lbs. in the hole.  I stayed around that weight going up and down 5-10lbs. here and there until the winter of 1994. 

Two days after Christmas 1993, we had a car wreck. *I'd like to add a side note here that I had been going to school P/T at this point for pre-nursing and had been accepted into the RN program, I only had 2 classes left before starting the program* I had injured both knees, my low back, my neck, and multiple contusions etc. I was out of work for a while, going through PT for the back and neck, and seeing the ortho guy for my knees, In April I had arthroscopic surgery on the right knee, and in the Sept. the left knee. Sitting home all this time, I gained about 30 lbs. putting me hovering around 200 lbs.  The surgery helped, however the Dr. told me to forget about being a Nurse, that I would never be able to be on my legs for 12 hours at a time. I was devastated and had so dreamed of being a nurse...my final goal was to be a NICU nurse. (neonatal ICU--sick babies) I decided to go back to school F/T, for Medical Imaging...my goal to become an MRI Tech.  I was a smoker at this time, and as I should have never been a smoker (born with asthma) I decided to try quitting again. It was not going so well. however I got ill with Bronchitis, and if you know anything about being a smoker and getting bronchitis, there are at least a couple of days that you are so sick and coughing so much you do not smoke. I saw this and recognized an opportunity.  In that time period you need an RX for a nicotine patch system, I called the Dr. and got one (on top of the antibiotics he had given me 3 days before). I put the patch one before I started feeling better, before the urge to smoke was greater than the feeling of coughing up a lung.  It worked!!! I was crabby for about a week and felt a like a smoke every few hours for the first few days, but it worked!!! This coming January 9th will be my 16th anniversary of NOT SMOKING!  I was up to almost 2 full packs of Marlboro light 100s a day.

Bad news:  I gained 35 lbs. Now I am hovering around 230lbs. When I was finished with all my pre-reqs. I went off to TJU in Philly. and lived on campus for 2 years. being lonely and homesick, I gained about 20 lbs. I  had arthroscopic surgery on my right knee and carpal tunnel release of the right wrist the same day Dec 2000.  I gained another 15lbs. over the next year working as a per diem X-ray tech and looking for a F/T or P/T MRI position. I found one back in Philly. I lost 20 lbs. over the year I worked at Graduate Hospital in South Philly (amazing really, as the commute was 2 hours and quite stressful). They were bolught out, and I saw the handwriting on the wall, as did many of my colleagues, I started applying  closer to home again. I found a F/t job  at the last employer I had, the place I got injured at, the place I caught MRSA from  AtlantiCare Regional in AC, NJ. Anyway I told them I couldn't start before Feb 10, gave notice at graduate, 12/20 was my last day of work, had my other knee and other wrist done in January, and then started on what I thought was going to be my last job in a hospital, but thinking I'd be there about 10 years or so.  I started Feb. 2003 and you see the pic. above is 2003.  I got injured April 25th 2005, MRSA discovered in surgical site July of 2005, IV finally stopped in Nov. 2005 after the lose of 3 bones, some muscle, and a few tendons in that injured wrist.  I underwent extensive therapy, and then it was discovered from over-use of the right arm during the left wrist issue that I had torn the same muscle in 2 places above the right elbow, he had to remove that section of muscle--May 2007. I had sinus surgery to remove several polyps in July 2007, and had my Left knee replaced in February of 2008. so all of this time, being quite sedate I have packed on more weight am now I am hovering around 300-310 give or take 10 lbs. at any moment.

Ron and I at Tamarack, WV in Nov 2009, it was quite difficult for me to sit in an Adirondack chair and had to hold myself forward (with bad hand no less), so this angle makes my double chin quite prominent. I was in "long drive clothes" thus sweatpants.

in April 2009, at a mini girls reunion 3 weeks before my 30th class reunion (which was actually a year late)

Here is Ron and I, this picture was at my Godson's wedding 7/8/05, it was an outdoor wedding in the mountains, and it poured rain, it was postponed for a little while, but too late we were all drowned rats, my updo, took a beating. ANYWAY I am in a cast here, the initial repair and grafting surgery to the wrist was 6/29/05. less than a week after this photo was taken I was in the hospital preparing to have I&D(irrigation & drainage--he also removed the 2 support pins he had in there) surgery7/16/05 and already on Vancomycin for the MRSA.* I had a 2nd I&D surgery in Oct 2005, when he removed the 3 bones, and placed a "bracelet" of antibiotic beads in there all around the wrist, and continued the IV antibiotics, then in Nov. he removed the beads, and a week later the IV was stopped.

This is Dr. Marszyk "Stash"(my hand surgeon--arm too) and me, I believe this is mid Sept. 2007

BTW he went to TJU med school (I went to TJU allied health) he lives in the town my hubby works, and I believe he is only about 5 years younger than me. but OOOH how we all wished he was a family doc. he is soo awesome, and introduces himself as "Stash"(short for Stanley) he wants to be on a first name basis with his patients, which is how it should be.

Anyway, even though part of it may be in my genes, I hate that I am an emotional eater...stressed out or upset-usually angry, sometimes hurt. If I am really hurting I tend not to eat at all.

I HATE that my injuries (I only talked really about the wrist in detail, but there is so much more) have caused me to become anxious and depressed...this is NOT the me I remember being. I remember that gal way up in the top picture. Always smiling, always in a good mood etc.

I HATE that my disabilities mean my husband who is 69, STILL has to work F/T.  That was the whole reason I went back to school, to make a career so he could retire on time, and I would have been the main bread winner. (I know it really was not something I caused to happen, but I feel guilty anyway, most of the time Ron reminds me of this, but sometimes, when he is frustrated he slips and makes a comment)

I HATE that I still owe 46K in student loans and will never work in that field again. A job that I ABSOLUTELY LOVED and miss sooo terribly!

Additionally, I HATE that ADHD makes one very good at making friends, but bad at keeping them--- we wear them out, or become annoying. Which makes it a double edged sword, because without the ADHD, I do not think I would be nearly as intelligent or creative as I am.

Lastly, but most likely the most important. I hate that for some reason  my perception of myself and what I am conveying is OFTEN perceived differently by others, which is in a negative light to them, and in a honest light to me. I did not give this much space, because it is not something I have figured anything out about yet.