Sunday, November 14, 2010

30 days of 3

Today is the day I must post something that I forgive MYSELF for...

I have been thinking and thinking on this. I know it is going to sound really bad if I say I can not really think of anything I forgive myself for. But I am having a hard time, the few things that have come to mind are rather trivial and superficial. There is one possibly 2 larger items that are connected, but the public forum of a blog is really not an appropriate place as, it could have ramifications that might hurt a few people if they see this...though most of the hurting is in me, and it is something I only speak to myself about in my mind, if I spoke about it aloud, then others who are unaware that are close to me, would be hurting also.  so what am I to do?...

I can say I forgive myself for feeling guilty over getting hurt-on-the-job, and having spine issues, which have made me disabled, CAUSING my 69 yo husband to still work F/T.  I KNOW in my practical mind that of course it is NOT my fault. However, I do not know if I can forgive myself, as there are daily reminders of what my disabilities are doing to this family.

In those moments when I look at my husband dozing in his chair at 7:30pm out of sheer exhaustion, knowing he has Coronary Artery Disease, a history of 2 heart attacks and a double bypass surgery, is an Insulin-Dependent, Uncontrolled Diabetic (for over 26 years) with complications (the heart disease for one, but he also has Diabetic his vision is going) those moments, I SOOOO feel guilty!!!
He supported me while I went back to college late in the game, even played Mr. mom while I lived on campus 2 hours away, and only coming home e/o weekend. All of that so I could have a good career and be the bread winner and he could retire. Ron could have retired at 61, he had enough time in with the PO, his plan was to retire at 62, and find some other work P/T, like Home Depot or possibly on a Fishing boat.  Well due to issues with the house, he just kept working. then I got injured in 2005, that August he turned 64. In November, since I was still on an IV, they no longer would hold my job for me. After speaking with my manager in December, knowing they had NOT filled my position yet, she told me, I could not be hired for my old job due to my new lifting restrictions. Even the workers Comp nurse who worked for OUR health system tried talking to her, reminding her, that I was a good, experienced technologist, WITH a BS in my field and full training in MRI, not just an X-ray tech that had cross-trained, that it was a waste of my resources for her not to hire me back, and what about my co-workers or a Tech aid to do the patient transfers?

My manager told her, that would be "unfair" to my coworkers, and that they would not hire a tech aid just for MRI, the Workers comp coordinator told her that they could hire one more tech aid for the entire department, and that way there would be more of them to be available for patient transfers. She went on to remind her of the Disabilities act, and that hiring a tech aid is not considered "above and beyond".
The Manager's reply was, no  it wasn't, however if they could hire another MRI tech that didn't have disabilities, and therefore no need to hire a second employee, which would cost more money, they were legally within their rights.

SOOOOO....If, I had been off the IV by Nov. 4, my job would still be my own, and basically they would be required to hire a tech aid. (but then maybe a year or so later, the spine would have started up and that would have been the end anyway, I suppose)

I was the higher earner out of Ron and I, and not only did it NOT bother him, he bragged about it to people.  So, when I lost my job, career, and income, WE lost more than 50% of our income, it led to my car being repoed. it led to there not being any money for repair work. It led to Ron NOT being able to retire at ALL, since we have a $1350+ mortgage payment each month (that includes taxes and ins.)

Ron also knows it, in his practical brain that this is NOT my fault. however in those moments when his SS check comes each month (which was supposed to be building a nest egg for retirement) he now has to use it to pay monthly bills. He'll forget like humans do, and make a not-so-nice comment, about me not working. When a part goes on his truck, or a vet bill comes up for the cats or he needs to buy new work sneakers or boots, and has to dig a little deeper, he'll slip and make a comment.

 I know he does not mean the comments, but they hurt, and they add to my already on-again, off-again guilty feelings.

I am not in therapy, I should be. However, if the cost is the same using our insurance for me to go to a psychologist vs. a social worker...I want the psychologist, I want the real is my small amount of money. (That I now get from SS, which by the way is being garnished for 20% for student loans).  So far, I have not been successful in finding a psychologist "In Network" only social workers.  I see a Psychiatrist every 2 months for med check, and 15 minutes of "therapeutic chat" but I just found out from her, she is no longer  "In Network".  Here's the rub...the Helpful nurse coordinators with BC/BS that found me this Doc at the time, told me she was the only psychiatrist that would agree to see me, without me being in therapy.:::::::::::::::sigh::::::::::::::::::::::::

So I guess, I will forgive myself for becoming disabled and being a burden on my family. I will also forgive myself for continually thinking about the "what if this didn't happen"

Or at least make it a daily routine to remind myself, and tell myself it was not your fault, I forgive you.


Sus said...

Forgiveness is freeing.... you are not at fault for the path your life has taken..... walk it with your head held high.

Wendy said...

Oh, Sue, it is essential for you not to condemn yourself at all for your health. We're all doing the best we can and you've been really struggling I know and maintaining friendships, blogging, being a mother, wife, etc...I admire you so much. And there are places you can find a good therapist, if you look in the Yellow pages for counseling centers, they often have interns. so if you may not be able to afford a professional therapist, there are some pretty good interns. I used to be an intern, and we were very carefully watched over by supervisors. Many licensed therapists also offer sliding scales depending on stuff like health insurance, employment, etc...Go out and interview these therapists. If they charge you for these interviews, I wouldn't even see them. Find out who can really be there for you, how they work, can you learn from them, etc...Don't give up and definitely forgive yourself for anything you're doing your best at.