Wednesday, July 27, 2011

Some cards today for the crafters digi center

I have not been to the CDAC in a long time, and I decided to play in the challenges this moth. I have others almost done. I hope I am not too late. Here is  "The color challenge": black, white and little bit of color, sponsored by Lia Stamps, who also supplied the digi image of a stork.

And here is one for "a Other challenge" sponsored by Whimsy and Stars, who supplied us with a sketch, a palette of colors (use as many as we could) and a lovely digi of sunflowers in a Tea Pot.

Here's one just for the FREEBIE DIGI Challenge, I chose to use the FREEBIE given by IKE'SWORLD, it is a Stitched Cat.

 NOTE: The cat and the Card stock are CAMEO CORAL, I think the cat is looking more orange-y because of the diamond glaze I covered it in. sorry

I'll be back to add a few more and to add all the details.

Monday, July 25, 2011

Monday Muse-Home not-so-sweet home (a rant)

 You have heard me speak of depression in general, and I have touched upon my own. 

My former Psychiatrist told I will be dealing with Depression the rest of my life. I asked her why
(fool that I am)
She said; "Susan, your situation is not going to change, it is not going to get better. Your wrist and elbow are forever altered for the worse. The doctor also told you, that you WILL BE facing fusion of that wrist in the future. Additionally, you have spinal issues that are progressive, and then there are your knees. Add to that the chronic pain, in it of itself is a cause for depression. Therefore, you will forever more be depressed.  Depression only goes away, and then not really completely gone, when circumstances in one's life change. I do not see a change for you. Do you?"


What is even worse is that I have other issues that are not only depressing but quite worrisome--my main anxiety  is my Husband's health and our home, which are intertwined.

The fact that we bought this house(Hubby really wanted it) that needed a bit of TLC in the first place(which really meant, insulation, upgraded electric and plumping, re-dos in all rooms, a KITCHEN (what was here was not a kitchen) new siding, and a garage/barn that needed new wood in places. Hubby promised he would turn it into the home of my dreams, he kept going on and on about the potential it had (and really before we moved in, we did not know about the plumbing, electric or no insulation) back they there were NO home inspections. With it completely furnished etc. we thought we just needed to paint,  carpet, a better heat system (there was none, but an old kerosene burner HUGE, and a woodstove) He worked on the home for the first 3 years, then we had a hard time with the $$ to do stuff, then it became harder and harder for him to get help with projects. plus his mom, insisted on adding on this HUGE addition (it was only supposed to be one big room for her, sleeping and living, and her own bath, but it turned into a 26 x 26 ft. 2 bedroom apt. downstairs, and upstairs she gave us a Master bedroom a bath and we gained half  of a room when they lifted the roof, so we got another bedroom out of it. she did not complete septic system, and against our pleas to not go with electric baseboard heat, she did anyway (as it was cheaper to install) our taxes tripled the next year, and then progfressively continued to go up. The house has not had any new work done on it, and the builder was a Jackass and gave us a partial FLAT roof, which has done nothing but leak ever since. Hubby did start a roof over that as it is a "deck off the master bedroom"  but he ran out of money and the son moved out, and now he is feeling his age and his diabetic complications.

Then add in that the old walled in porch  has termites now, and that part of the new roof (addition has had a perpetual leak ever since...we find where we think it is due to wet or rotted wood, and bad paper and shingles, fix it, and still have a leak.  we have had NUMEROUS Pipes break and leak over the past 10 years either from just wear and tear or freezing and bursting, I swear this house has a water curse on it.

 I will NEVER buy an old house again, unless someone else has already fixed everything. I am not even sure I want to be a Home owner again. I think perhaps it is good to rent and not have to worry about fixing stuff.

Frankly I am scared to death, I am disabled, hubby will be 70 in August, is not in great health himself. we still have a mortgage of about 90K, WITHOUT mortgage insurance as it was waaay too expensive with him being a diabetic (and now heart disease AND what I believe was a recent stroke--I am seeing so much evidence of one)  he can't retire til we sell this house, but we can't sell the house til we fix up a bunch of stuff, and leave some stuff undone and sell as is. We also need to CLEAR 200K, so we can buy our new place (one level) without having a mortgage. (if we go that route)

Especially now, I am so scared that his time will come before this house is unloaded, and I will be stuck with it, and no way to make the mortgage payments.

Additionally, Ron is growing ever harder to live with. He has always had big and bad mood swings. Yes he is a uncontrolled diabetic, but I have also suspected for years that is some hereditary component. His mother was like this, as she got older she got worse...same thing here.  He also told me his grandfather had been institutionalized for a short period for "some kind of depression" he was young and doesn't remember a whole lot. There have been far too many times that he has been MORE than verbally abusive, but CRUEL and mean-spirited, embarrassing even.
Personally, I believe it is worse now for 2 reasons, first my getting injured and being unable to work. I think he is a bit resentful that he is not able to retire, and I do not blame him in the least. I can't feel any guiltier than I already do, and I SHOULDN'T, I didn't purposely get hurt. The other reason is since the "episode" (what I believe was a stroke) he is far more irritable, and is having some memory issues.

My son is back home to supposedly be a help to his Dad, which as usual is not happening. at least 3 of the 5 work days  when my husband comes home from work, and they can be doing something- Tom is gone with one of his friends. on the weekends, he is with his airsoft buddies.

There are days I think about getting a storage unit and slowing moving my stuff out, and leaving. not that I have any place to go, but at least temporarily I could move in with my mom. What bothers me the most is that Ron bitches about Thomas not being here, or not doing anything TO ME, but when the kid is here, he says nothing, and when I speak up, they both jump on me. it is such Bull shit!  I think hubs does this in part to not scare the kid off. ( he had and has  a crappy relationship with his first son)


I have NUMEROUS "circumstances" that I do not see changing for the better, at least not anytime soon.

Lately all my dreams have been strange, but I fund i am dreaming about a lot of people from my past.   I have had 2 dreams in one night that had church scenes in them.  I wish I had a sweatlodge, I'd go on a vision quest!!

aahhh, but tomorrow is another day!

Saturday, July 23, 2011

Friday Fun for Dezina World

I haven't been crafting a lot, in fact I haven't been doing a lot lately due to my neck and upper back acting up A LOT, and not sleeping. I have been working on swap commitments.  I am starting on Halloween projects also not just for OWH, but also for stocking up inventory (Planning on getting this etsy shop set up soon)
and also for the upcoming annual 31 days of Halloween.

This creation is for the Spot Challenge for JULY at Dezinaworld

Steampunk Bkgd. and B&W and gray's Gothic lady reading by a skull image both by DEZINAWORLD. She is no longer B&W as I painted her with TWINKLING H2Os. Sentiments computer generated. Winged skull is a digi stamp from SMEARED INK. Purple German Scrap by COLLAGE STUFF.
 There is diamond glaze by JUDIKINS on the skull. Then there is diamond glaze mixed with re-inker for the oooze, dripping on the Bkgd. out of the skull, out of the winged-skulls eyes, and out of the lady's (who is now a zombie) mouth

Monday, July 18, 2011


Help save our Country

I read this on another blog yesterday - and I am fired up by the disgraceful way Congress has been doing business. This is something I hope you read all the way through.

The 26th amendment (granting the right to vote for 18 year-olds) took only 3 months & 8 days to be ratified! Why? Simple! The people demanded it. That was in 1971...before computers, before e-mail, before cell phones, etc.

Of the 27 amendments to the Constitution, seven (7) took 1 year or less to become the law of the land...all because of public pressure.

In three days, most people in The United States of America will have the message. This is one idea that really should be passed around.

Congressional Reform Act of 2011

1. No Tenure / No Pension. A Congressman collects a salary while in office and receives no pay when they are out of office.

2. Congress (past, present & future) participates in Social Security. All funds in the Congressional retirement fund move to the Social Security system immediately. All future funds flow into the Social Security system, and Congress participates with the American people. It may not be used for any other purpose.

3. Congress can purchase their own retirement plan, just as all Americans do.

4. Congress will no longer vote themselves a pay raise. Congressional pay will rise by the lower of CPI or 3%.

5. Congress loses their current health care system and participates in the same health care system as the American people.

6. Congress must equally abide by all laws they impose on the American people.

7. All contracts with past and present Congressmen are void effective 1/1/12.

8. The American people did not make this contract with Congressmen. Congressmen made all these contracts for themselves. Serving in Congress is an honor, not a career. The Founding Fathers envisioned citizen legislators, so ours should serve their term(s), then go home and back to work.

If each person contacts a minimum of twenty people then it will only take three days for most people (in the U.S. ) to receive the message. Maybe it is time.


If you agree with the above, pass it on. If not, please disregard. 

Forward this in an email to a minimum of twenty people on their address list; in turn please ask each of those to do likewise.  Additionally you may want to post it on your blog! We need to send a CLEAR message.

“Don’t ask what the world needs. Ask what makes you come alive, and go do it. Because what the world needs is people who have come alive.”

Tuesday, July 12, 2011

Rheumatolist visit- Walkin' on Sunshine!

I went back to my Rheumatologist today. He asked how the new medication (an anti-inflammatory) was working. I told him I was seeing some improvement. He was happy so was I. He then told me about my blood tests and my neck and knee x-ray, the neck did not sound accurate, and we talked about it, so I have get him copies of my MRI reports (even though they are 4 years old)

Here is the run-down:

not ONLY is the cartilage between the upper leg bone (Femur) and the lower leg bone that makes up the knee joint (Tibia) which is called the meniscus, totally gone (which we all already knew)  but the X-ray showed "extensive bone break down" and "severe arthritis."

He gave me a cortisone injection in the knee, and in 3 weeks he is going to start a series of 4-5 "gel" injections, which will imitate cartilage, and help cushion the bones. (Not Syn-visc, he is using a different brand, that is natural, not synthetic)

onto the bloodwork:
Lymes Disease-negative
Lupus-negative (this I expected)
sed rate- elevated (as it has been)
ANAs- positive and in his words VERY HIGH at 940-something, he said since this blood work was taken after almost a full 4 weeks on the powerful anti-inflammatory, is indicative of some type of Connective Tissue disease, he said only time will if it is RA(Rheumatoid Arthritis) but he doesn't think so, he thinks it is "one of numerous, non-descript Connective Tissue Diseases".
another Inflammatory marker (blood work) was positive.

so he prescribed another medication that I am to take twice a day, I can't remember the name, but he said it will work on my entire body, My joints should start feeling much better, and I should also be less fatiqued.
bad news: it has a side effect that involves the eyes but it is extremely rare, and as a preventive measure, all patients that take this medication have to have an eye exam every 6 months.

Hey, I already take a LOT of pills, so the idea of more, is not cool. Another one that has a rare side effect involving the eyes is also not so cool. HOWEVER, if it is going to remove some of my pain, and fatique I am MORE than willing to give it a try!

I walked out of that office very happy and again full of HOPE!!!

my question is WHY did none of my other doctors, including my orthopedic Knee guy, THINK to give me a Cortisone injection? 
I haven't seen him since my last post-op visit from the other knee replacement in 2008, but he KNEW FULL WELL how bad the right  knee was, as we already discussed the need for it to be replaced.

I feel so BLESSED to have found this doctor! He, his wife, and the rest of his staff are all wonderful, kind and friendly! 

He got a phone call from another doctor just as he started with the little ultra sound machine, to see the exact spot to put the cortisone. UNLIKE many other docs who would have said please "excuse me one minute" and leave the room--therefore wasting MY TIME. He said, "excuse me 1 minute" but continued to use the ultrasound machine on my knee and spoke on the phone to the other doctor, while doing it. he made it brief and to the point and mentioned no patient name in front of me. He hung up the cordless phone and laid it down on top of the US machine. APOLOGIZED to me, and then proceeded to give me first a slight numbing medication, and then the cortisone. NO LOST TIME for me.

The rest of the day was good, the knee didn't hurt much, I iced it on and off as prescribed. and took a nap in the later afternoon, after starting dinner, hand-washing some dishes and playing with the dog. I took a Vicodin at nap time NOT for my knee, for my neck and arm. Upon getting up from my nap.  I was able to walk WITHOUT the cane!  I have not been able to walk without a cane after being recumbent for a couple of hours since 2009! Usually when first getting up, the knee is VERY stiff and painful. Then after some time it eases a bit and I can walk around the house some without the cane, but not always, and NEVER right after getting up!

Can I get a Hallelujah?!!!!

Saturday, July 9, 2011

In support of a friend, and my own constant conpanion

 This post is in support of my friend Wendy and her post today.
She is SOOO NOT alone in this.

Depression is something I have been living with since the great loss of bones etc, in my wrist--but it is mostly of the loss of work, of a career, that was extremely HARD to build. An extremely RIGOROUS university program, SACRIFICE on the part of my husband and family, as because of the toughness of the program I had to live in Philadelphia on campus for 2 years. I came home on weekends, more often  e/o weekend. Approx 46K in student loans(of which I am now in default of...and I do not think my GP doc is going to fill out the forms needed to apply to the Dept. of Education for pardon of those loans) I was only out of university 5 years when that on-the-job-injury changed my life forever.  it wasn't until late Sept. 2008, that I finally got on anti-depressants. I started on anti-anxiety meds before that.

And if you gaze for long into an abyss, the abyss gazes also into you. ~ Friedrich Nietzsche

Lately my depression has been fairly under control, but I watch over my shoulder, ever vigilant as it is usually only a step or 2 behind me.  Having my son's dog here as a companion as made a difference as he makes me laugh and smile everyday. However he is not a FULL ballast to my life, my lack of a life, my missing my children and family, my ever-more grouchy husband. It would be wrong of me to expect him to, just as I can not expect anyone else to either. I would love to have some of the above be a bit different, as it would help with the depression. I know I can not change the behavior of others, but when you are depressed it is also harder than the non-depressed person to "change yourself".

All happy families resemble one another, each unhappy family is unhappy in its own way.  ~Leo Tolstoy

Wendy speaks of the "battles" and that is what they are. I think every person has "battles" with something. Some of us have a bunch of battles, that are all small to medium in the scheme of things. I also know there are people out in the world that fight HUGE Battles daily.

Depression, as well as chronic pain are my constant companions, more constant, than my "pretty" or the grand dog, more constant than my husband. MORE RELIABLE than anyone in my family. I know I can RELY on pain to be with me daily, usually for all of the day, in at least one area of my body!
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And Often people that have one battle, have others BECAUSE when something happens or affects one member of a family, it affects all members living in the same house. So if one member of the family battles with an addiction, it becomes the whole family's battle. The same with any emotional or mental issue. Neurological and/or physical issues also give the whole family battles to deal with.

Depression is one of those things that affects everyone in the house.  I have said my depression is somewhat under control. What i haven't said is that some days I sleep all day...a lot of it is is fatigue and/or my pain and/or my meds, sometimes, it is because it is all I want to do, is hide from the world, hide from myself.  Sometimes I am trying to hide from some crap that is going on in my family at the time, or the behavior of my husband. Sometimes it is because I recently read something or watched something on TV, that leaves me WANTING, leaves me JEALOUS, leaves me asking WHY CAN'T I HAVE THAT?
**Pictures below do not belong to me, they are NOT my family.

Why can't the affectionate man I fell in love with 27 years ago
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still be affectionate and warm, and loving??
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WHY can't my family all still be close and get along like we used to??
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WHY can't we have a nice vacation or go on a cruise??
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WHY can't I have a nice organized craft room???? (we have a HUGE house)
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I don't get dressed half the time, my reasoning...WHY BOTHER, I'm not going anywhere, and no one is coming over. then I find I also rationalize it with being frugal...less laundry is less gas and detergent etc.
In that respect depression is similar to an addiction; there's a lot of rationalizations happening!

There is a line in this song, that soooo speaks to me, not just because of being depressed but also because it is true! please really pay attention to this video AND the words to the song.

If you deal with DEPRESSION, post about it today, let's spread the support for each other!

Depression facts:

Of the estimated 17.5 million Americans who are affected by some form of depression, 9.2 million have major or clinical depression
Two-thirds of people suffering from depression do not seek necessary treatment
80% of all people with clinical depression who have received treatment significantly improve their lives
The economic cost of depression is estimated at $30.4 billion a year but the cost in human suffering cannot be estimated
Women experience depression about twice as often as men
By the year 2020, the World Health Organization (WHO) estimates that depression will be the number two cause of "lost years of healthy life" worldwide
According to the U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) suicide was the ninth leading cause of death in the United States in 1996
Major Depression is 1.5-3.0 times more common among first-degree biological relatives of those with the disorder than among the general population