Monday, November 29, 2010

2 new awards

I've rec'd 2 more awards, and there no hard and fast rules about these.
One I do think I'll pass along to a few people...Perhaps one of these people can figure out how to put the name on the particular picture of the award, as it comes with the name as a label.

I rec'd both of these awards from JINGLE

ok first is ...                      "The Elegant Butterfly award"

this is the one I want to share with several people, which I will edit in later (since it is 4:30 am, and I need to try and sleep (LOL)  

(anyone who I send this to, if you can do digital work and add the words elegant butterfly award to the image in some pretty way, I'D SOOO appreciate it)

the other is ...

now I have only done one or 2 short little poems so far on this blog, and there are a couple of reasons for that.  One I do not have a water mark, which is part of reason 2...afraid someone will still it. I am a published poet, and have been writing poetry since I was in middle school. (My mom says I wrote some in elementary school also...she'd know)

I am working on one coming up for YULE, but mostly my writing efforts these days are taking notes in my new self learning  alone my spiritual path, and a Novel I'm starting.

So This award is going to be added to my side bar, now. The "Elegant Butterfly Award" I will add when someone makes a it better. 

I thank you JINGLE and if you'd like me to send it back to you when it has writing on it let me know.

Sunday, November 28, 2010

30 days of 6


this one is the most simple one for me.

1.  I hope to never have to bury one of my own children, or my brother's or sister's children, or their children

2. I hope I never have to be worrying and wondering where I'm going to live.

3. I hope I never have to worry where my next meal is coming from .

4. I hope I am never put in the situation where I have to tell my nieces the truth about my sister and our mother.

5. I hope that I never have to be so tough on my son that he ends up homeless or in jail. (he just refuses to grow up, and his ADHD and ODD wear people out)

Thursday, November 25, 2010

Happy Thanksgiving from me to all of you!

Please click here to enjoy a token gift from me to you:
The Thanksgiving Feast - animated Flash ecard by Jacquie Lawson

something to make you smile:

Check these TG facts out:

also hooking up with Jenny at her place

Wednesday, November 24, 2010

HUGE 1-1-5 blog candy LAST weekly update

I want to remind you all to READ THE RULES to enter, so, so many of you are not following the instructions correctly, and I would really HATE to see your name not be in the final draw.

You can see the last 15 items, as well as re-read the instructions Here.

MOSTLY, I want to stress that you must be a follower and that you must tell me about a favorite past post of mine, past as in PREVIOUS to the blog candy post.  As the blog candy post was on 10/20, and it says the word past that would mean before 10/20.

So please for your own interest, make sure you are following the instructions.  There will be no more updates, and sign-ups and comments will be accepted until 11/30.

remember 100 items go to one person (only in North America), then there will be 3 others winning 5 items each. (internationals ok)


Tuesday, November 23, 2010

Tuesday--favor to ask: this past week, including today

This past week has been rough on my husband Ron, can you all please keep him in your thoughts and prayers etc.

Last week, his best friend Leon's wife died.  We went to the service and repast yesterday. Today Ron had his second cataract removed, he's doing good, but the next month will tell if his vision will improve any with new lenses. (He has diabetic retinopathy)

I would so appreciate it.

Monday, November 22, 2010

30 days of 5

Today is day 5 in my 30 days of truth...which means I need to talk about: something I hope to do in my life.

I am going to do this in list form, 5.5 years ago, this list was sooo much different.

1. I hope to drop 100+ pounds.

2. I hope to have the Honor of being a Grandmother bestowed upon me

3. I hope Ron and I both live long enough to get out of this house, and start fresh somewhere else.**

4.  If the above doesn't happen, **I hope at least one of our children moves home, married or not and helps with this 14 room house, and lives in harmony with us.

5. If #3 does happen, I hope my Mom is still alive so she can go with us.

6. I hope to establish a nice ETSY shop, and have it be successful

7. I hope to publish at least one novel

8. I hope to have less pain

9. I hope my new decision on spirituality will lead to more harmony and understanding in my life

10.  I hope ALL of my family members that are estranged from other family members or the whole family, drop their grudges, show forgiveness, realize love is what matters and rebuild the family.

11. I hope to have a new friend or 2 in my real life.

12. I hope I grow in my creative talents, and my spirituality.

Harry Potter 5 days of WITCH crafts--still catching up

You saw my accessory the other day (portable swamp), and an edible (Hagrid's Hot & Yummy ButterBeer)...I've edited the recipe slightly--there was a typo.

I am not making a creature
so instead here are 2 more edibles
both recipes from "The Leaky Cauldron"


by Chelikins

Preparation Time

30 minutes


hard boiled eggs
food coloring


You can color hardboiled eggs and say they are Dragon Eggs! If you crack the shells a bit before coloring, you will end up with colored crack lines on the hard boiled egg for an even stranger look.

(Note: I used fresh eggs--only a week old or less from the chickens...and if you have ever had fresh eggs, you know when you hard boil them, a lot of the time you can not peel them, without losing part of the egg.  if you didn't know that , now you do...did you also know the eggs in the super market can be up to 6 months old?  that is because eggs have a longish shelf life.  You can keep eggs un-refrigerated for about 30 days. ADDITIONALLY, I made Purple food color by mixing red and blue)


submitted by Chelikins

Preparation Time

75 minutes


3 – 4


3/4 cup boiling water
1 (3 ounces) package jello berry blue gelatin
1/2 cup cold water
Ice cubes
Gummy worms (candy usually sold in bulk or bags)


Stir boiling water into gelatin in a medium bowl at least 2 minutes until completely dissolved. Mix cold water and ice to make 1 1/4 cups.
Add to gelatin, stirring until slightly thickened.
Remove any remaining ice.
Can refrigerate if it still seems thin to thicken slightly.
Pour gelatin into clear plastic cups.
Suspend gummy fish in gelatin.
Refrigerate 1 hour or until firm.


(note...I wanted sugar free jello, since the gummy worms are NOT sugar free...hubby is a diabetic, so I had to go for LIME jello, they do not make berry blue in sugar free. Also, no kidlets in the house, so I wasn't going to buy an entire package of clear plastic cups, so they are bigger servings in my Pyrex dishes. (we are also using cool whip on ours ))

Tomorrow I will have my only wearable (very simple), 
my craft (very simple) 
and one last edible!!

Sunday, November 21, 2010

Scrappy Sunday

I know it has been a while since I have done a "Scrappy Sunday", My apologies.

Here we have 2 more 2 page Layouts from Ron and my trip to WV and NC last November.

These will be right behind the pages I showed last from Tamarack, WV. We were leaving WV and heading to NC to see our son Tom (now living back home) and his GF Mary. They are broken up now, and I have a feeling our son is not giving us the entire picture. We had grown to like Mary very much, and were starting to consider her like our DIL. they were together  3.5 years.

Anyway, after leaving Tamarack (which we actually went into by accident) we then got off the next exit which was our goal, to go to "Cracker Barrel" for lunch. We had never been to one before. We were both pleasantly surprised. :)

I have to do some journaling yet, on the tag on the lower right corner of page 2, and I may add some more embellishments not sure yet.

The items on the wall over our table. The waiter was kind enough to take our picture.
We were at the CB in Beckley, WV.

I cut the picture of the brass logo, off one of their rocker tags. They were very nice about giving me "paper items" that I could use for my scrapbook. They even gave us of one the menus, which are only paper anyway.

 This layout shows the 2 different Christmas tree displays they had up. It is hard to see in the picture but the checkered-ish part of the paper has gray in it, so I matched that gray up to ink for the stamping of the letters, and to the card stock I used to mat the photos. There is a small tag on the first page for a bit more journaling.

I plan on using the same rust colored gel pen, from the previous L/O to fill in between the gray on the lettering. I'd like to find some appropriate embellishments. I really do not want to use anything for Christmas, as it wasn't Christmas.  So, I am at a bit of an artistic block for the time being.

Page 2 I built a pocket for the map and info of all the Cracker Barrels across the US.
and there is another surprise on this page :)

AHA!! a swiveling picture, that has another picture under it. The picture under it is a little shaky, and it is a picture of some stuff that is hanging off the ceiling.  I LOVE to do a little creative space-making ideas in my scrapbooking.

What do you think?

Saturday, November 20, 2010

Friday---dear so and so...late

 I haven't done this in a while but this week, soooo warrants it!

Dear son Thomas,
your "temporary room"  (due to fire)  is looking worse than OSCAR MADISON'S room ON a GOOD DAY!! Please, please and Please....CLEAN IT UP!

Thanks. Love, Mom

Dear husband Ron,
PLEASE start keeping a tool "journal" and mark in it when used last and where you put it. I am soooo tired of hearing you cuss and carry on over not being able to find your tools, and then you go buy new ones. NATURALLY once you do that the other shows up.
Love, Susan

Dear oldest daughter April,

I am sorry I wasn't there with you for your surgery, but I am respecting your wishes, AND I have told you time and again I am tired of being abused by you.  I am VERY glad that this doctor seems to know what she is doing and was able to straighten the eye, again. Let's hope it never turns again.  I am sorry to hear that the surgery was a little worse due to the doctor finding almost double the amount of scar tissue she expected to find. I hope the pain is over soon, and that you'll better about yourself, and you'll believe it was worth the pain and suffering and time away from college etc.
I love you and always will,

Dear youngest daughter Amanda,
IT WAS WONDERFUL to have you home for a short visit. However I really didn't appreciate that you allowed others to cut into our time, and you changing our plans.  Please work all plans out in advance  for the next visit.
Love you,

DEAR "shop-rite" cashier,
Thanks for totally Fing forgetting to put 2 bags in my scooter cart, and making me have to come bak for them!!
~disgruntled, disabled shopper

Dear Assinine Self-absorbed Bimbo on the cell phone at the end of the grocery check out,
you were one check diagonally from the door and had your cart out in the exit isle instead of next to the check out area. You did not leave enough room for a disabled person in a scooter cart to make the correct approach as to be able to fit out of the door, causing me to slam my "Non-replaced" knee right into the corner edge of the heavy metal door frame, others noticed and one man asked to help, and I said LOUD ENOUGH FOR YOU TO HEAR..."no sir, thank you anyway, it is not me or the cart, it is the fact that that woman has her cart in the wrong spot, which does not allow for the scooter carts to make the wide swing needed to go out the door."   I KNOW you heard me, because your cashier heard me, but did you move your cart back?  NO, even after I tried backing up again, and bumped into it, you still did not move it, and I headed out the door and slammed my knee again, but pushed through it.  It is now 4 days Post "crash" and "I am still paying for it, you stupid Fing bleached blonde bimbo! Try putting the damn cell phone up your butt and see if you can bag your groceries better that way!"

~Just another human being trying to make my way through a store
PS...can't anyone do anything anymore without the phone attached to their heads? JEEZ, how did we ever survive without them?

Dear Sister and your 2 daughters (my nieces),
 I heard about "the conversation" you all had last weekend at my expense.  How dare you? in front of strangers that do not know me? in front of Mom, you may not love her, but I do, and she loves me....don't you as a mother yourself KNOW that when a parent hears something negative about their child it hurts them?  Talk about being self-absorbed!  well, you know about Kharma....


Dear Electrician, thanks for still holding us up. It is NOW November. The fire was June 6, we spoke with you around June 25th, you have kept putting this job to the back of your list, you said it wouldn't take long, so why are you still jerking our chain??? we can't even get the window in until you do this.  I think perhaps we'll take our business elsewhere, sad considering you have been our electrician for 25 years, and you were the person who actually wired that room, when the addition was put on.

The Guzy Family

Harry Potter 5 days of WITCH crafts
I am jumping in on this late.

today I have one YUMMY edible, and my accessory

 Here are some pictures first of my yummy edible:
 Hot and Yummy ButterBeer
I have tweaked an original recipe from "The Leaky Cauldron" on the web
(I'll probably add mine to their list)

Hagrid's Hot & Yummy ButterBeer

Ingredients: Milk, vanilla extract, original Ovaltine malt, Werthers Soft Cre'me Caramels

Directions:   heat a mug of Milk in the microwave, I have a 1000 watt Micro with a revolving plate, and 2 minutes was good!! then add 1-2 heaping tbsp. of Ovaltine malt (not chocolate malt), 
1-3 DROPS of Vanilla Extract, stirring well. 
Then cut up 2 Werther's caramels (I did four slices, then cut them in half) add one caramel (cut-up) at a time, stirring all the while.  ENJOY!! 

Ok My accessory is a PORTABLE SWAMP,  
I downloaded the box image from "The Leaky Cauldron"

Then I went and purchased some goodies to put inside from A C Moore
except for the rocks :D
"Weasley's Wizard Weezes patented" Portable swamp (American version, though it has Rainforest frogs, LOL)

I'll be back tomorrow with another edible treat or 2

Altered Art Thursday---ON SATURDAY! LOL

very late!! camera issues, cold and tired...LOL! 
ok excuses, excuses...I know :::hanging head in shame:::

2 Chunky ATC's for a I can make the one for Jennifer the winner of My Tea Party under the Full Moon prize!!

First one...Bird theme

This one is blurry, so I took 2 more on macro setting...

Ok, now the 2nd one...Halloween Theme
 The heart is on pop-dots...and the words are all from Poe's The Tell-Tale heart.
 I have an orange Rose cabochon on the Bride of Frankie!
Luckily neither of these came out Blurry!!

Friday, November 19, 2010

Alphabe-Thursday(on friday)

Hello all you Lovely Literate Learners!! 
welcome once again to Alphabe-Thursday. 
This week over at Jenny's Place, we are all learning about the letter "I". Check it out!

Icebergs are essential

Essential to the lives of the Polar bears:

Polar bear populations are in decline. By 2050, two-thirds of the world's polar bears are likely to be gone.
  • Climate change, which is causing ice to thin and melt, is reducing polar bear habits.
  • Loss of sea ice leads to higher energy requirements to locate food.
  • Mortality rates are increasing. 42% of Alasakan cubs reach 12 months of age. This number was 65% fifteen years ago.

  •  about Icebergs

    Icebergs are enormous. They can be taller than the Statue of Liberty and as big as a small state. Normally, only a tiny part of an iceberg can be seen from the surface of the water. Thousands of these massive glacial chunks are formed each year and many are carried hundreds of miles by ocean currents until they gradually melt away. 

    • While icebergs float in frigid saltwater oceans, they are actually made of freshwater.
    • More than two-thirds of the Earth's freshwater exists as ice in the form of glaciers and ice caps.
    • Each year, there are enough new icebergs formed in Antarctica to supply freshwater to the world's six billion inhabitants and every industry on our planet for four months.
    • Antarctica and Greenland account for more than 98 percent of the world's ice-mass.
    • Icebergs drift at a rate of about 0.4mph (0.7km/h). The speed at which icebergs move is affected by many things, including their size and shape, ocean currents, waves and wind. 
     The Titanic's tragic collision with an iceberg in 1912 shows just how dangerous icebergs can be. The Titanic was such a massive vessel that passengers barely felt the impact as the iceberg ripped a gaping hole in the bottom of ship. The Titanic sank on its maiden voyage, but the glacial ice that doomed the "unsinkable ship" may have been more than 15,000 years old! Now, satellites carefully track these colossal ice cubes and create detailed charts to warn navigators about their constantly shifting locations (for an example, see 

    Icebergs essentially killed thousands of people


Thursday, November 18, 2010

30 days of 4


Slightly over a year ago my 2 closest friends and a few other scrapbooking "buddies" went away for a big scrapbooking convention.  Usually in the past I go, in fact for the most part it used to be: My daughter and I, my daughter's best friend, these 2 close friends, and sometimes 1 other scrapping buddy.  Generally, I was the one who would reserve either one room with 2 doubles and a pullout, or 2 rooms. I also was pretty much always the main coordinator of the event for our group. The one close friend would help. However now, that I was not earning a paycheck due to being disabled, I could not afford to go. I thought about going up for the one day, take a class or 2 and stay for the big "cropping party" and then drive home...well my daughter and I. She didn't want to go unless we could go for the whole weekend.  I told her that I couldn't afford it (which she really knew as she did live home) and suggested she go without me, she didn't really want to give up an entire weekend at work (it was still her seasonal (summer) job and she was one of the higher seniority and earned good money) I didn't push. However, her friend did push...and something must have happened between them, cause they all of a sudden were not so close, and my daughter wasn't really even talking to her anymore. ...we'll be coming back to this...

Ok.. a bit of history here...the one close friend, was my niece's Best Friend since she was in 9th grade. The gal was older than her by about 5 years, which made her younger than me by about 6 years (so Basically I have known her since about 1988-89). My niece had a daughter , very young, and she was the same age as my daughter. When they were younger I convinced my niece to have a brownie troop with her and my daughter, with her BF as co-leader.  They did, it worked great all the way through the junior years, so basically 6 years, during this time, I became closer with the friend, and so did my daughter who started calling her "Auntie". In addition to scouting, This friend was almost always at any family events that my niece was at. (she was adopted by older folks, and was an only child with no cousins or anything) Therefore she was in my life a lot. Then when she wanted to get into scrapbooking, her and I got even closer. 

The other friend...was a woman older than me by 10 years we met in 2002, at an all day scrapbooking crop.  We were sitting across from each other, we had been introduced once before, but this was the first actual time we spent together. She announced she was having a house built in my town, and was going to have a large scrapping/crafting room in her basement, and said you can come over and scrap with me etc. In addition, I was a demonstrator for STAMPIN' UP at the time, and she loved their products and became one of my customers.  After she finally moved in, and had me over for the first time, there was a fellow teacher there also, a younger gal, who I also knew through scrapbooking, we weren't friends, but we knew each other. This was really quite nice. The friend started having "scrap days" e/o Saturday, and  after a bit, due to her hubby (not wanting to give up her time spent with him) it became the 2nd Saturday of the month. She told I could invite anyone else in the area I knew that scrapped. I invited one lady who was not a friend but a "scrapping buddy"
and my other friend. Eventually, my Daughter started bringing her friend.

So, I have one friend who is becoming closer to me, and we've known each other quite well for several years...(camping weekends together etc) and this new friend, who by and large was someone  that we both were able to confide in each other etc. We became very close...and she always told me, that she considered me one of her best friends, and that I could talk to her about anything any time, and she would keep my confidences etc. At this time in my life was when I had been injured on the job, and was dealing with MRSA and having an IV etc. (just to help with the timeline)She was very involved in school task groups and "eastern Star" (the ladies of the free masons) so she really didn't socialize outside of SBing. She also had a child that was 18 but severely retarded and also autistic. She only came home one weekend a month.

ok, fast forward.  I was  now disabled. There was some stuff going on with my niece that was NOT good, so my friend, that was my niece's BF and I often would discuss some of the stuff when we were at the other friend's monthly scrap day. We were in agreement, about what she was doing wrong etc. Additionally so was her own sister, and other friends, and My sister(her mother).  Basically we had all been saying the same stuff not just to each other but even to her face, to try and convince her etc. I can not and will not go into the details to protect her children.  anyway so this situation went from being a bad idea, to being a real life nightmare. Nothing could be done to change it, but we all still talked about it anyway.

ok along the way,we had done a few conventions together  (as for a while I was getting  WC checks while I was still undergoing medical care)  then that stopped and I couldn't go anymore. so now  we are back to where the story started. These 2 friends of mine, and my one scrapping buddy, and some new scrapping buddies of my friend  that ran the scrap days, all went away for a scrap weekend without me or my daughter or her friend.  The next time we were all at the friend's house, not only did I notice a change in the atmosphere, but so did my daughter. My long time friend, was now sitting  with the other friends "scrapping buddies" and not with me for one thing. we also became noticing that she was not so quick to have my daughter and I over to her home once  in a while to do some rubber stamping (as I was teaching her more and more) My daughter even asked her a few times, "hey Auntie, how come we haven't gotten together?" She would use her son and homework as an excuse. Amanda and I didn't really say anything to each other but we knew something wasn't right, as she had always had the son, and he always had HW.  At  the next scrap day, the olne friend was helping my long time friend with some project, and I overheard them say something about when the friend had been over to my long time friend's house (*note, the new friend, did not know this area of the state, and really had no desire to, any time any of us asked her about shopping etc.  she either still did everything south...where her hubby was from, or west where she was from and her mom still lived)  so I was surprised to hear that she had been north by more than 4 towns, when they really weren't that close. When my daughter's friend came up to us as we were leaving that night outside and asked us "hey what is going on with you guys and __________ and __________?"  I didn't have an answer for her other than i don't know. Amanda said to her, yea, something is weird, it is like they are now becoming closer to each other and both walking away from mom.  I emailed the long time friend a few days later, and asked her if I had done something to upset her etc. etc. she did not reply for almost a week and said no, that there was just a lot of stuff going on at her job, and with her son and school.  I emailed the other friend, got an immediate reply, that there was nothing wrong, and that my depression must be getting the best of me, as I was acting a bit "paranoid".

this change in the "hierarchy" and the atmosphere was more and more noticeable with each passing month.   Then something happened....they all went away again for another convention, and this time Amanda's friend did go. when they saw each other at work on monday, Amanda's friend asked her if she "had anything she wanted to tell her?" My daughter was like no, what are you talking about. the friend said to her something about  your God mother ? (my niece) Amanda said again, NO, what are you talking about? the friend went on to blurt about some stuff about my niece that given her present circumstances was quite shocking, and even worse then the last time she did something stupid. Basically the friend was now, more or less lecturing my daughter on my niece.

Amanda called me right away and asked if I had heard anything about this? I told her no, she texted her cousin, my great-niece who totally confirmed what her friend knew, and actually gave her more information.  Amanda called me back to tell me. We were both not only shocked but dumbfounded.

I sooo needed to vent my feelings on this matter.  School was not back yet, so I knew my friend would be home, so I shot her off an email like I always did when I needed to vent (you can talk to me about anything, anytime, and I'll keep your confidences---remember)  OK...well she wrote me back about some of her ideas for possibly why my niece did what she did. and that was that. or so I thought.
 About a week later, I am now engaged in a very nasty battle with my niece via the internet, and it turns out it is all stemmed from THESE 2 supposed FRIENDS of mine.  first the fact the the long time friend--the niece's BFF was talking about her and her situation while they were away in public to a group of women that did not know my niece(the other friend knew of her, and so did my daughter's friend) their group away this particular weekend included 3 rooms and about 9 women. so FIRST...the old friend, the niece's BFF was very wrong for talking about MY family's business out in public like that. I didn't say it to her or anyone, but I was saying it now loud and clear to my niece.

My niece went on to say that she didn't care, I was the one that was making trouble. I was like me? what do you mean? well she forwarded me back my original email to my friend, that SHE had FORWARDED to the long time friend, who sent it along to my niece...UTTER BETRAYAL of my confidences, right?  so if this wasn't bad enough, my niece went on to forward a few of other emails back to me from the BFF from over the past 3 years. HOLY SHIT!  you could have knocked me over with a feather. BOTH of my "good" friends had betrayed me. the one, I believe was a one time deal(not positive) but led to my virtually being disowned by my niece. the other friend had been going behind my back for 3 years, sharing my emails with my niece, and BTW, her replies to me, and her direct emails to me, and our face to face conversations over those 3 years...were the same, she completely said the same stuff, as did my sister (niece's mom) and my other niece and cousins...but for some reason I was the BAD GUY.

Now what you do not know is, that my niece, was like another daughter to me, I babysat them and lived weith them summers, while they were growing up, when my niece was becoming a handful at the age of 13, it was ME and my hubby, that my sister would call to come help. When she got pregnant at 15, and threatened to elope if my sister did not sign the papers giving permission for her to marry, and therefore married (an ass with sexual deviant issues) and moved out. I was the one my niece would call and reach out to, NOT her own mother. we had become very close, we were pregnant together. Amanda is 4 months older than my great-niece.

so, this brings me to the forgiveness part. I simply can NOT forgive my friend that was my niece's BFF, as she totally had me buffaloed for 3 years and it was an ongoing turns out any email that I sent her, if it had any mention of my niece in it, she forwarded it to my niece. It didn't matter that she felt the same way or said the same things.  I just can't bring myself to do it.

But "C"  the other friend, who as far as I know only did it the one time. I forgive you. I know we'll never be friends again, as too much stuff as gone under the bridge already, and I do not know if I could ever trust you again with any thoughts, let alone my inner most deepest ones. However i do forgive you.  I am going to send you an email saying so. Good luck in your Future life.

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

some newer art

here are just some recent ATCs...

owls for a swap:

 the center one has white distress stickles on it, the green one has clear crackle on the owl card which is up on pop dots, the horizontal one has brown distress stickles on it.

"Colors of Fall" Lottery:
Lots of different elements put together on these :)

HUGE 1-1-5 blog candy weekly update

here you go faithful followers, your weekly update!  
we are up to 100 items :D
check out the original post here.

Sunday, November 14, 2010

30 days of 3

Today is the day I must post something that I forgive MYSELF for...

I have been thinking and thinking on this. I know it is going to sound really bad if I say I can not really think of anything I forgive myself for. But I am having a hard time, the few things that have come to mind are rather trivial and superficial. There is one possibly 2 larger items that are connected, but the public forum of a blog is really not an appropriate place as, it could have ramifications that might hurt a few people if they see this...though most of the hurting is in me, and it is something I only speak to myself about in my mind, if I spoke about it aloud, then others who are unaware that are close to me, would be hurting also.  so what am I to do?...

I can say I forgive myself for feeling guilty over getting hurt-on-the-job, and having spine issues, which have made me disabled, CAUSING my 69 yo husband to still work F/T.  I KNOW in my practical mind that of course it is NOT my fault. However, I do not know if I can forgive myself, as there are daily reminders of what my disabilities are doing to this family.

In those moments when I look at my husband dozing in his chair at 7:30pm out of sheer exhaustion, knowing he has Coronary Artery Disease, a history of 2 heart attacks and a double bypass surgery, is an Insulin-Dependent, Uncontrolled Diabetic (for over 26 years) with complications (the heart disease for one, but he also has Diabetic his vision is going) those moments, I SOOOO feel guilty!!!
He supported me while I went back to college late in the game, even played Mr. mom while I lived on campus 2 hours away, and only coming home e/o weekend. All of that so I could have a good career and be the bread winner and he could retire. Ron could have retired at 61, he had enough time in with the PO, his plan was to retire at 62, and find some other work P/T, like Home Depot or possibly on a Fishing boat.  Well due to issues with the house, he just kept working. then I got injured in 2005, that August he turned 64. In November, since I was still on an IV, they no longer would hold my job for me. After speaking with my manager in December, knowing they had NOT filled my position yet, she told me, I could not be hired for my old job due to my new lifting restrictions. Even the workers Comp nurse who worked for OUR health system tried talking to her, reminding her, that I was a good, experienced technologist, WITH a BS in my field and full training in MRI, not just an X-ray tech that had cross-trained, that it was a waste of my resources for her not to hire me back, and what about my co-workers or a Tech aid to do the patient transfers?

My manager told her, that would be "unfair" to my coworkers, and that they would not hire a tech aid just for MRI, the Workers comp coordinator told her that they could hire one more tech aid for the entire department, and that way there would be more of them to be available for patient transfers. She went on to remind her of the Disabilities act, and that hiring a tech aid is not considered "above and beyond".
The Manager's reply was, no  it wasn't, however if they could hire another MRI tech that didn't have disabilities, and therefore no need to hire a second employee, which would cost more money, they were legally within their rights.

SOOOOO....If, I had been off the IV by Nov. 4, my job would still be my own, and basically they would be required to hire a tech aid. (but then maybe a year or so later, the spine would have started up and that would have been the end anyway, I suppose)

I was the higher earner out of Ron and I, and not only did it NOT bother him, he bragged about it to people.  So, when I lost my job, career, and income, WE lost more than 50% of our income, it led to my car being repoed. it led to there not being any money for repair work. It led to Ron NOT being able to retire at ALL, since we have a $1350+ mortgage payment each month (that includes taxes and ins.)

Ron also knows it, in his practical brain that this is NOT my fault. however in those moments when his SS check comes each month (which was supposed to be building a nest egg for retirement) he now has to use it to pay monthly bills. He'll forget like humans do, and make a not-so-nice comment, about me not working. When a part goes on his truck, or a vet bill comes up for the cats or he needs to buy new work sneakers or boots, and has to dig a little deeper, he'll slip and make a comment.

 I know he does not mean the comments, but they hurt, and they add to my already on-again, off-again guilty feelings.

I am not in therapy, I should be. However, if the cost is the same using our insurance for me to go to a psychologist vs. a social worker...I want the psychologist, I want the real is my small amount of money. (That I now get from SS, which by the way is being garnished for 20% for student loans).  So far, I have not been successful in finding a psychologist "In Network" only social workers.  I see a Psychiatrist every 2 months for med check, and 15 minutes of "therapeutic chat" but I just found out from her, she is no longer  "In Network".  Here's the rub...the Helpful nurse coordinators with BC/BS that found me this Doc at the time, told me she was the only psychiatrist that would agree to see me, without me being in therapy.:::::::::::::::sigh::::::::::::::::::::::::

So I guess, I will forgive myself for becoming disabled and being a burden on my family. I will also forgive myself for continually thinking about the "what if this didn't happen"

Or at least make it a daily routine to remind myself, and tell myself it was not your fault, I forgive you.

Friday, November 12, 2010

some prizes I've been honored to win

A while ago I mentioned winning Kim's Halloween surprise box over at Tabby's Place

There were lots of colloage images and ribbons and doo-dads in the box and one very cool item:

This awesome coffin box!! I am going to be painting and decorating this for my son...for storage of something very special of his.  I will show the progress of my work as I go along, probably once a week, we'll see.

Way back from the Practical Magic Blog Party I was the VERY LUCKY winner of this cuff bracelet:

 This cuff was made out of PAPER (I was amazed, but lined and stitched and very sturdy) by the very talented Angelique at For The Love of Creativity
she also included some other goodies, LOADS of dew drops, love those things, some charms, and ribbons, a beautiful dress card and a home made bag of candy corn.
This was such a great package.

 Then today in the mail I got my prize from the Perfectly enchanted Halloween party hostess by Vanessa at A Fanciful Twist that is also who this prize is from!!  I won her FORTUNE TELLER sign from her lovely and very HALLOWEEN--Y  patio set up, she also included some cool labels
(For bottles)for next Halloween and a mask (Paper) and 5 of her magical postcards!!
Here is a picture of her Fortune teller sign as a reminder for those who attended the party.



So sorry I have been a bit remiss

First of all

In my own family:

Daddy, RIP
Uncle Charlie, RIP
Husband, Ron
Stepson, Ron
Several cousins
an x of my Oldest daughter
an X and still dear friend (Carrying a torch) of my youngest daughter
a friend of my son's
and also thanks to those I do not know!

Happy Veterans Days a day late :(

and some BIG news to share, so please keep a good thought over the next few months.

I saw the lawyer yesterday, ALL the doctors I have been to, say I am 100% disabled, AND additionally "NOT a candidate for Vocational rehab. the petitioner (me) deals with far too many orthopedic issues alone to work." 

now all the hard work goes into the court system (Worker's comp) hope this doesn't take sooo long.

Thursday, November 11, 2010

30 days of 2

Today I have to write something I love about myself.  I am not conceited and going to say their is a lot I love about myself. However I am also not a full fledged self-hater and won't say that there isn't anything I love about myself.

I wasn't decided what one thing I was going to write about until this scandal with Amazon and the pedophile book came about. that made the decision for me.

One thing I love about myself, is that I totally and 100% stand up for my beliefs, my principles, my point-of-view. Sometimes this makes me the outcast. Sometimes I am persuasive enough to actually have others change their opinion. Sometimes after discussions, I may change my point-of-view. But like TOM PETTY says..."No, I won't back down, I will stand my ground and I won't back down."

For anyone who has ever done the "team building seminar" at work or through scouting or a school system call "True Colors" (similar to "what color is your parachute")  you know what I mean when I say I am a GREEN!  It is sooo true, as a green I fight for the underdogs, and I hate injustice of any kind.  ALL TRUE!!  

Today's example is the fact that while I find it WRONG, and DISGUSTING that Amazon would carry a book  that is like a guide for pedophiles. The Author had the right to write it. (1rst amendment) and Amazon has the right to sell it, they are honoring NON-CENSORSHIP.  

I HATE it the whole situation, but because it is their right to do so, I wouldn't agree to an IMMEDIATE boycott of their company. I wanted to think more, read more, and see what time brought, as this just happened. In fact it is already "off their shelves".  

However, because I wouldn't agree with a handful of women on someone else's blog of IMMEDIATE BOYCOTTING. I have been labeled as not having a conscious and I am being "Pitied for not having any understanding".  

BEING a GREEN  makes me a fierce and loyal friend, in addition to fighting for the underdog, hating and fighting for any injustice. I am Happy to be GREEN. I am Happy to stand up for what I believe in.


This week we are learning all about "H"
over at Jenny's PLACE


pain in butt
sometimes a friend
snorer in the night
a handy guy
ah, but *sigh*
I love
S. Guzy 11/10

Forwarding something very SERIOUS!!!

this is from Deborah at the blog Fairfield House on wordpress.

Bad Press

Deborah | November 10, 2010 at 9:46 pm | Categories: Uncategorized | URL:
“He who passively accepts evil is as much involved in it as he who helps to perpetrate it. He who accepts evil without protesting against it is really cooperating with it.” ~ Martin Luther King, Jr.
I'll be brief. Amazon is selling a guide for pedophiles. Yes, you read that right. Amazon's statement in defense of the practice is telling:
"Amazon believes it is censorship not to sell certain books simply because we or others believe their message is objectionable. Amazon does not support or promote hatred or criminal acts, however, we do support the right of every individual to make their own purchasing decision."
Let's parse that shall we?
It's censorship. And? That's it? So what if it is? The First Amendment to the Constitution protects American citizens against the United States government. Is Amazon now a branch of the Federal establishment or a company free to make decisions about what product it stocks. They choose to stock the work in question.  I particularly note the phrase "simply because we or others believe their message is objectionable"--how very broad minded of them. How morally relative. How lawyerly. How vacant.  May I ask if who exactly doesn't find it objectionable?  The word "simply", as in "merely", is a touch of vile genius; violated children are such a petty issue, not up to the notice of our intellectual and moral superiors. Apparently we should stop whining about it.
It's good that they "don't support or promote hatred or criminal acts".  They do however sell the instruction manuals. What could go wrong?
The statement reads as though Amazon expects us to admire them for being all brave and honest, standing up for free speech. I think their position is despicable. Freedom of speech is absolute, but it does not come with the guarantee of an audience, and certainly not a publisher and reseller. Why is Amazon choosing to participate? Is it a case of "anything goes for a dollar" or "anything to be in the news"? Simply because you can do something does not mean you ought to do it.
I will have no further business dealings with Amazon. Those with a conscience will join me. (the below is to comment on her post)

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

30 days of 1

(warning a bit long)Today I must share something I HATE about myself, hmmmm  I am not a person who really hates, though I use the phrase "oooh, I hate that!" (a lot)

I think the word HATE can sometimes mean slightly different things, and I also think it is a word that is over-used.

I can give you a list of things "I hate" in the world, in other people, food-wise etc.

Speaking for myself, there are a few things "I hate"

First up, I hate that over the years of being married to a man with diabetic mood swings, having my MISERABLE, MANIPULATIVE,MEDDLING, MIL live with us for 10 years plus raising 2 children, both ADHD, one also with ODD that were 14 months apart. In addition to having to battle with my X over getting my lousy $40 a week in child support for my oldest daughter.  Let me go from this:
In morning after my son was born, I was nursing him in this picture...1986 (about 160 post baby)

to this:
Labor day weekend 2003 at the Cape May County Zoo with Tom and Amanda (and some of their friends) at about 240 lbs.

Now let me explain, I know, I know this is aesthetics, BUT it is also about EMOTIONAL EATING.
Granted my endocrinologist said there will be a gene discovered that is for obesity(in 2004).  Since I had a whole slew of Chunky and Fat Aunts on my father's side of the family, he said at least in part I couldn't help it, and should consider something like LA weight loss first, and if that didn't work have the gastric bypass surgery. He was right about the gene. Within  18 months of that appointment, Doctors in the UK discovered the gene for obesity. I will NEVER do the Gastric Bypass, though I am considering Gastric Banding.  I just do not feel it is right that there will be a longer list of foods I can't eat compared to the foods I can eat for the rest of my life.

Chronology of weight: 130lbs. get pregnant with Thomas, gain 44 lbs. immediately lose 24 pounds (within the first month) Still 20 pounds to go, I found out I was pregnant again, Tom was about 3 months old. I gained 38 lbs. with Amanda who was my biggest baby at 8lbs. 14 oz. 22 3/4" long (she beat Tom by 4 oz. and 1/4") I only lost about 10-11 pounds. very strange I thought, considering between the baby and the placenta that alone was more than 11 lbs. So I am now at least 48 lbs. in the hole.  I stayed around that weight going up and down 5-10lbs. here and there until the winter of 1994. 

Two days after Christmas 1993, we had a car wreck. *I'd like to add a side note here that I had been going to school P/T at this point for pre-nursing and had been accepted into the RN program, I only had 2 classes left before starting the program* I had injured both knees, my low back, my neck, and multiple contusions etc. I was out of work for a while, going through PT for the back and neck, and seeing the ortho guy for my knees, In April I had arthroscopic surgery on the right knee, and in the Sept. the left knee. Sitting home all this time, I gained about 30 lbs. putting me hovering around 200 lbs.  The surgery helped, however the Dr. told me to forget about being a Nurse, that I would never be able to be on my legs for 12 hours at a time. I was devastated and had so dreamed of being a final goal was to be a NICU nurse. (neonatal ICU--sick babies) I decided to go back to school F/T, for Medical goal to become an MRI Tech.  I was a smoker at this time, and as I should have never been a smoker (born with asthma) I decided to try quitting again. It was not going so well. however I got ill with Bronchitis, and if you know anything about being a smoker and getting bronchitis, there are at least a couple of days that you are so sick and coughing so much you do not smoke. I saw this and recognized an opportunity.  In that time period you need an RX for a nicotine patch system, I called the Dr. and got one (on top of the antibiotics he had given me 3 days before). I put the patch one before I started feeling better, before the urge to smoke was greater than the feeling of coughing up a lung.  It worked!!! I was crabby for about a week and felt a like a smoke every few hours for the first few days, but it worked!!! This coming January 9th will be my 16th anniversary of NOT SMOKING!  I was up to almost 2 full packs of Marlboro light 100s a day.
Bad news:  I gained 35 lbs. Now I am hovering around 230lbs. When I was finished with all my pre-reqs. I went off to TJU in Philly. and lived on campus for 2 years. being lonely and homesick, I gained about 20 lbs. I  had arthroscopic surgery on my right knee and carpal tunnel release of the right wrist the same day Dec 2000.  I gained another 15lbs. over the next year working as a per diem X-ray tech and looking for a F/T or P/T MRI position. I found one back in Philly. I lost 20 lbs. over the year I worked at Graduate Hospital in South Philly (amazing really, as the commute was 2 hours and quite stressful). They were bolught out, and I saw the handwriting on the wall, as did many of my colleagues, I started applying  closer to home again. I found a F/t job  at the last employer I had, the place I got injured at, the place I caught MRSA from  AtlantiCare Regional in AC, NJ. Anyway I told them I couldn't start before Feb 10, gave notice at graduate, 12/20 was my last day of work, had my other knee and other wrist done in January, and then started on what I thought was going to be my last job in a hospital, but thinking I'd be there about 10 years or so.  I started Feb. 2003 and you see the pic. above is 2003.  I got injured April 25th 2005, MRSA discovered in surgical site July of 2005, IV finally stopped in Nov. 2005 after the lose of 3 bones, some muscle, and a few tendons in that injured wrist.  I underwent extensive therapy, and then it was discovered from over-use of the right arm during the left wrist issue that I had torn the same muscle in 2 places above the right elbow, he had to remove that section of muscle--May 2007. I had sinus surgery to remove several polyps in July 2007, and had my Left knee replaced in February of 2008. so all of this time, being quite sedate I have packed on more weight am now I am hovering around 300-310 give or take 10 lbs. at any moment.

Ron and I at Tamarack, WV in Nov 2009, it was quite difficult for me to sit in an Adirondack chair and had to hold myself forward (with bad hand no less), so this angle makes my double chin quite prominent. I was in "long drive clothes" thus sweatpants.
in April 2009, at a mini girls reunion 3 weeks before my 30th class reunion (which was actually a year late)

Here is Ron and I, this picture was at my Godson's wedding 7/8/05, it was an outdoor wedding in the mountains, and it poured rain, it was postponed for a little while, but too late we were all drowned rats, my updo, took a beating. ANYWAY I am in a cast here, the initial repair and grafting surgery to the wrist was 6/29/05. less than a week after this photo was taken I was in the hospital preparing to have I&D(irrigation & drainage--he also removed the 2 support pins he had in there) surgery7/16/05 and already on Vancomycin for the MRSA.* I had a 2nd I&D surgery in Oct 2005, when he removed the 3 bones, and placed a "bracelet" of antibiotic beads in there all around the wrist, and continued the IV antibiotics, then in Nov. he removed the beads, and a week later the IV was stopped.

This is Dr. Marszyk "Stash"(my hand surgeon--arm too) and me, I believe this is mid Sept. 2007
BTW he went to TJU med school (I went to TJU allied health) he lives in the town my hubby works, and I believe he is only about 5 years younger than me. but OOOH how we all wished he was a family doc. he is soo awesome, and introduces himself as "Stash"(short for Stanley) he wants to be on a first name basis with his patients, which is how it should be.

Anyway, even though part of it may be in my genes, I hate that I am an emotional eater...stressed out or upset-usually angry, sometimes hurt. If I am really hurting I tend not to eat at all.
I HATE that my injuries (I only talked really about the wrist in detail, but there is so much more) have caused me to become anxious and depressed...this is NOT the me I remember being. I remember that gal way up in the top picture. Always smiling, always in a good mood etc.

I HATE that my disabilities mean my husband who is 69, STILL has to work F/T.  That was the whole reason I went back to school, to make a career so he could retire on time, and I would have been the main bread winner. (I know it really was not something I caused to happen, but I feel guilty anyway, most of the time Ron reminds me of this, but sometimes, when he is frustrated he slips and makes a comment)

I HATE that I still owe 46K in student loans and will never work in that field again. A job that I ABSOLUTELY LOVED and miss sooo terribly!

Additionally, I HATE that ADHD makes one very good at making friends, but bad at keeping them--- we wear them out, or become annoying. Which makes it a double edged sword, because without the ADHD, I do not think I would be nearly as intelligent or creative as I am.
Lastly, but most likely the most important. I hate that for some reason  my perception of myself and what I am conveying is OFTEN perceived differently by others, which is in a negative light to them, and in a honest light to me. I did not give this much space, because it is not something I have figured anything out about yet.